First Comes Love

One day a week I allow myself the pleasure of not waking up to an alarm. I even spare myself the 6:30 am wakeup to chart my BBT, unless I am waiting on an impending ovulation. In the winter I can sleep blissfully late - past 10 or 10:30 sometimes. But in the summer there is so much to do, and the sun is so bright that I still wake up relatively early.

This Sunday morning was no exception. A late night on Saturday had left me groggy and tired, and I rolled over on to my side and tried to hide my face from the sun beams sneaking in underneath the bedroom window shade. My stirring woke the dog, who quietly made her way up onto the bed, nestling herself in the crook of my legs - a treat we only allow her on the weekends.

I don’t know how much time passed before I felt my husband’s soft kisses on my eyelids.

“Good morning my lovelies…”

The dog and I stretched and yawned in unison as he wandered upstairs to make coffee. As I slowly slid out of bed I only had one thought in my mind,“I am so blessed…”

Well, I think I am getting closer to making a decision about weather or not we will pursue IF treatments. And it’s not the decision that I imagined that I would make.

I will be doing a medicated IUI in October. Ooooooh, right, so amazing! I am sure all you chicas who have been through IVF hell are really impressed with my big decision. But this has been hard for me. I am normally such a crunchy-granola-hippie-dippie type. I almost never take medications, and have really believed that if I took proper care of my body, this would all work out naturally…. eventually.

But a friend had a baby on July 3. She’s in her late 30s (I am a baby by comparison, in my late 20s) and she got pregnant after trying for less then 4 months. (Got married in July, said they wanted to start trying “soon” and got knocked up in October, could have been the first month for all I know…)

And what did this do to me? Well, initally, back in January when I found out they were expecting, it was upsetting. Now that they have the squirmy babe? I’m not so upset. I feel a new sense of resolve, that I want my own, and… that if this would have worked naturally, it would have happened by now.

As much as I want to believe that it could still happen naturally, this month marks the official two year mark of our TTC.  Twenty-Seven cycles. No double lines.  So, now I am combing the internets for phrases like “cost of medicated IUI cycle” instead of “natural ways to increase fertility.”  I’ll be back in the stirrups in September with a new doctor, and am planning on the IUI in October. It is the ideal time for me to get knocked up, as it will allow me to take minimal time off of school. (Ha ha ha! Did you see me mention it being the ideal time to get knocked up? I am jinxing myself already…)

(sigh) This still is not something I am looking forward to, yet. But hey, maybe I’ll get knocked up our last cycle before treatment, eh?  I hear that happens all the time, just like with adopting, only cheaper.

I’ll leave you with some soothing images from our recent camping trip, the one that messed up our chances of conception this month, yet I am on CD30 with no hint of the lovely Aunt how is that for messed up?

Some things I am greateful for:

Sailboats, stormy skies, and puppy snuggles!

Ahhh… my first ever post to apologize for not posting. I guess I am a bonafied blogger now huh?

Summer has gone in to full swing, and it seems like every moment is occupied by a bbq, a slip and slide party*, a camping trip, things for school, or work work endless work!

After recovering from the HSG allergic reaction from hell, I decided to go and get my updated shots for school. One dTap later, I had a 102 degree fever for three days and had to miss work. An extreme allergic reaction! How novel! This is starting to make me wonder if my body reacts badly to foreign substances, and if it is attacking super-husband’s sperm, thus preventing pregnancy. Hmmm…

Speaking of getting my shots, the whole experience was, well, an experience. I went to the county health department (free!) after work one day. I walked through the door to be greeting with a scene not unlike an airport, a busy train station, or the DMV. There was one of those reels of numbers, so I took one and had a seat on a folding chair. On my right I was being oogled by a young redneck gentleman. In front of me was a huge family, with about three crying babies, speaking to a translator in rapid Spanish. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone. That’s when a teenage girl with a pink glittery tee shirt that said “Princess” and acid washed jeans squeezed in next to me. She started flipping through a booklet she was holding in her lap. I glanced down at it. The title was, “Now That You are Pregnant, What Can You Expect?” She got to the third page or so and whipped out her cell phone, dialed a number, and started sobbing. “Mom! I’m pregnant!”

I nearly kicked myself for not having a business card on me.

I tried to not listen in on her conversation and looked over at the wall about 100 yards away. I could make out a tiny paper flier. There was a picture of a shot on it. I walked over to it and read the teeny tiny letters… “All vaccinations and travel shots - proceed directly to the immunization clinic.” I high tailed it out of there, found the clinic, and after 10 minutes of “Hannah Montana” I was vaccinated and on my way home.

Now that I have my newfound tetanus immunity, I was able to register for classes for the fall. I’ll be taking Health & Wellness and Intro to Statistics. I’m only a little scared. Mostly of statistics.

Other things of note:

• My acupuncturist took a seminar on abdominal massage for fertility. I get to be her “guinea pig” or as I prefer to call it, her “test pancake.” I’ve been getting free massages!
• I’ve been having pregnancy dreams… In them, I take a HPT, and I have two lines. That’s it, just the lines. It’s thrilling and realistic and then I wake up.
• We took a break this month, not on purpose. I ovulated late, while we were camping, and we just couldn’t do the deed on the rocky ground in a tiny tent with the dog, with about 15 of our friends within earshot. I feel a little relieved to have two whole weeks off!

Ok, off to catch up on all of your bloggy goodness!

*In honor of Kate, I am including a footnote to say that grown ups should not throw or attend slip and slide parties. I was sore for several days in some unusual places, and I got off easy. You would think that being a little drunk would help you bounce, but it dosn’t.

That’s the sound of the other shoe dropping.

It had been hanging there, suspended for awhile, but I knew it was only a matter of time until it hit the ground.

Despite my soggyness, and my chat with the husband about how he needs to be more sensitive to me regarding our inability to conceive, he still dropped quite a bomb on me this morning. Via email. While I was at work.

His brother and his brother’s wife are knocked up.

I need to be happy for these two… they had started trying when we did, got pregnant right away, and she had an early miscarriage. They stopped trying after that until recently, and now, voila, she’s pregnant again. They announced it to the family on Father’s Day.

And that’s part of why the sting was so harsh. Because I had wanted to tell the husband on father’s day that he was going to be a dad. And instead, I got my period.  This makes the third father’s day that I had fantasized about spilling the news, and the third one where I was let down.

It doesn’t help much that these two are idolized by husband’s family, that this will be the first grandchild, that these two always seem to get whatever they want. They always manage to get it a few steps ahead of us, do it a little better, a little grander. They’re celebrating by buying a million dollar home on an island a few hours away from us. I don’t plan on visiting much.

Husband always joked that the only way our kid would ever stand a change in his family is if we had it first. Looks like that plan is out.

So, as I frantically tried to keep my tears from spilling over my eyelids, I deleted husband’s email and tried surfing some links a friend had sent to change the subject in my brain. (Lookit here, “terrorist fist jab” hahahahahaha) It didn’t work. Eventually I found my way over to Io’s site, saw this, and finally, had a good laugh.

Well, the swelling has gone down, as has my mood. I spent the weekend running from activity to activity, and when I finally had a moment alone with my husband to breathe, I spent most of it a soggy mess, leaking tears and snot. (And sweat, as it was about 93 degrees in our “cool” mountains.)

Basically, I am sick of the roller coaster ride. I am tired of not knowing where our life will be in a year. Will we still be trying to conceive? Will we have a floppy newborn? Will I be pregnant and big as a house, unable to do any activities? This has hindered our vacation planning ability, our financial planning ability, and clearly, my sanity.

We have no trips planned this summer, because we would have had to do that 6 months ago, and 6 months ago we were hoping to be knocked up and saving all of our pennies this summer. Husband doesn’t really understand. He tries to soothe me with reassurances of “it will all work out in the end,” and “let’s not rush things, it will happen when it’s time,” and other such nonsense.

It’s also time for me to decide what my boundaries are with IF treatments. When I took my puffed up self in to the doc, she said it was time to have a serious thought about clo.mid and IUI’s. I am hesitant to try this (and certainly not with her!) but I am well aware of the fact that trying for two years without a single pregnancy… well… starting with the IF treatments probably would have happened a long time ago with a more aggressive doctor. Not to mention that I’ve been off b/c since… 2002, just not actively “trying.”

I don’t know what to do, and husband says it’s all up to me. Humph. I am at least waiting until September to do anything, to give the magical HSG power a few months to do it’s thing.

In other news, we saw the “Sex in the City” movie… I was a big fan of the show way back, and I did enjoy parts of it, but parts kinda ticked me off. The part that most ticked me off?  (SPOILER ALERT!)

wait for it…

Charlotte (the infertile one, who adopted from China) got knocked up. And what did she have to say about it?  “The doctor says he knows a lot of couples who get pregnant after adopting!” and “It must be because I finally relaxed about it!”

So, she got knocked up because she relaxed and adopted.

I’ll have to tell that one to my doc.

Well, I spoke to the doc and they rushed me in a few hours ago. My doc was aloof and told me “in the future, if you are asked if you are allergic to radiologic dye the answer is yes,” gave me a steroid prescription and walked out.

I am feeling a little better today, still too puffy for regular shoes and my ring, and I am wearing a flowy skirt for max comfort. My symptoms seem to be subsiding but I am still uncomfortable. Ugh.

All in all, if I am ever asked about my HSG experience? I won’t have nice things to say.

A mild freak out is commencing in First Comes Love Land, relating to my general health post HSG. And since my doc is closed on Sundays, I am appealing to the land of the Internet for some guidance.

Here’s a brief timeline:

• Thursday: The day of the HSG
• Friday: I feel totally fine
• Saturday: I start to have some pain in my knees after walking
• Sunday: I break out in a rash all over my legs. It itches, but isn’t too bad.
• Monday: The rash on my legs spreads to my arms. Still itchy
• Tuesday and Wednesday: The pain in my knees is worse, and now my calves and thighs hurt as well. Still rashy and itchy
• Thursday: I wake up early, get in the shower, and pass out. Still sore and itchy.
• Friday: The rash finally subsides, but now I have extreme pain in my elbows, knees, legs, and finger joints. The pain is worse in the morning and give me a bit of relief at night.
• Saturday: Rash seems to be gone, but the pain is still in all of my joints. My feet and hands start to swell. I can’t fit in my regular jeans. I can’t put on my wedding band. My neck has stiffened up and I can’t turn my head
• Sunday: Still no rash, but still in a lot of pain. I can barely walk up and down steps. My hands and feet are still swollen, I can’t wear anything except stretchy yoga pants. My neck is better. A visit to the scale reports that I am 5 lbs heavier then I was three days ago.

SO, I probably should have called the doc during the week, but work happened and I genuinely thought that I would get better on my own. I really thought everything was coincidental - I had used a new sunscreen the day I broke out in the rash, and I do A LOT of walking in bad shoes, which is where I thought the knee pain was coming from. It wasn’t until the swelling started yesterday that I started to get really concerned. I have done some research on Iodine contrast dye allergies, and it says that there are rare occurances of rashes after HSG procedures, but not to worry about it.  I am worrying about it.

Thanks everyone for the HSG well wishes… It was both not as bad and worse then expected. When I mentioned taking a scenic tour of our hospital, I didn’t not realize how close to reality that would be. Husband dropped me off at the wrong building, and I got to walk to the correct one, up a hill w/ no sidewalk, through a construction zone. Luckily it was a nice day, and not too far of a walk.

I checked in to the outpatient center where I waited about 20 minutes, then I was directed to the Radiology waiting room where I waited about 15 minutes. A nurse came for me and brought me to the big X-Ray room where I got to strip down and get on the table. My doctor came in and performed the HSG, which wasn’t too terrible. I had some cramping at the beginning, but no worse then bad AF cramps… but then I guess she had some problems with the catheter, and whipped out a DILATOR. Oh holy hell, the pain… intense but short. I actually yelped. Loudly. After that everything was a cakewalk in comparison. My eyes were still tearing from the pain of the dilator when the radiologist came in to take the pictures. It all went pretty quickly from there.

The good news is my tubes are open and everything looks good. The bad news is my tubes are open and everything looks good. She asked me how long we had been trying and when I responded “two years” she just told me to keep at it, and let her know if I want to try Clomid or an IUI. I hope that the magical HSG tube clearing power will work for us in the next few months.

I definately was NOT HAPPY with my doc’s bedside manner at this appointment. It reminded me that I have not had an exam from her before. She was really rough and fast with me, and did not take the extra time to make me feel comfortable. Even putting the speculum in she was rough, and she didn’t prep me for the pain of the dialator at all. I don’t want this person being the one to do an IUI. My next annual is in August, so I plan to find a new doc by then.

Last night I had a dream that husband and I were trying to adopt a toddler. In order to adopt the child we had to win a tennis match against the agency rep. The kid sat on the sidelines wearing a orange prison jumpsuit. Neither of us play tennis, but the next morning I had an email from my aunt saying she will be in town for a state tennis tournament in June. Creepy much?

I’ll admit it, I’m not a big time commenter. I tend to lurk on blogs for quite awhile before leaving a comment, and then still don’t leave very many. So I wanted to take the opportunity to give some shout outs to some of my beloved bloggers who I rarely leave comments with, just so you know you are loved.

First off should definitely be Matt at Maybe Baby. He was the first IF blogger I found, via Sweet Juniper (a favorite non-IF blog I lurk at) and I am so grateful that I did. He opened up the whole IF blogging world to me, and I learned so much, and gained a little hope.

Next up is Ms. Planner.  I instantly was drawn to her writing style and appreciated her outlook, as I’m a planner too. Not long after I started following her story she got knocked up, and I’ve enjoyed her perspective on pregnancy as well.

Then there’s Apronstrings who is really in the same boat as Ms. Planner. I’m excited to see these two lovely ladies become parents. I enjoy her writing style, and feel as though we have a lot in common, both being southern crafty women.

My most recent addition to the blogroll is Shinejil at Sluggish Butterfly. She has the miracle power to make me laugh about things that are not particularly funny, like IF. Plus we both seem to have an affection for growing things.

Lastly, I need to give shoutouts to Annacyclopedia who has gone passworded and I hope everything is ok? and Io, who is not currently posting, but had me from the very beginning, what with the awesome blog name and catchy tag line.

In other news, the beloved HSG is scheduled for Thursday. Right in the middle of the day, which means I have to take a vacation day. So I plan on enjoying myself! I’ll be pumping myself up w/ ibuprofen and enjoying the scenic tour of our local hospital. I’ve never been there before, and here’s hopin’ I won’t be going back until I am in labor with my love-child.

I don’t know what I was thinking really. It all seemed like a great idea at the time. But once we arrived the cuteness wouldn’t stop.

“You can’t swing a rutabega around here without hitting a cute kid,” my husband joked. I forced a laugh. I tried to block out the little girl singing an i love you song to her dad. Tried not to stare at the barefoot baby taking his first hesitant steps in the grass. I averted my eyes from the smiling woman with the squirming bundle in the sling and found them drifting to the pregnant lady stroking her belly and swaying to the bluegrass band.

“What does a rutabega look like anyways?” he continued. ”Does it have greens you can swing it from, like a carrot? Or is it more like a potato? Cause that might cause problems.”

This time the laugh wasn’t forced, but genuine. I sure do love my husband.