10dp3dt: The end of the road

July 1, 2010 at 8:53 am 20 comments

So I splurged and bought a pack of First Response Early Response (Now with new ENHANCED TECHNOLOGY that has the ability to send you into the depths of despair 6 days before your missed period!)  I’m sure you can imagine what the result was. Snow white. Virginal white. As white as a baby’s bottom. I couldn’t even imagine a shadow of a line with the light of a thousand suns, and I have a very active imagination. I took one yesterday and one this morning and the result was the same.

At this point I know it’s over. If this were a healthy pregnancy there would be enough HCG by now to turn that stick positive, with at least a faint line. I’ve scoured the internet, and haven’t found a single blog that has a negative test this late and has a positive beta and a healthy pregnancy.  Super husband refuses to let me give up, but I think he just wants to save his tears for when it is official on Friday. I had a good cry last night, and now I’m just bitter that I have to submit my poor veins and more money to the RE’s office for a blood draw tomorrow morning. Who knows how long ago those embryos gave up, how long I’ve been talking to nothing, telling them how much they will love our twice yearly camping trip at the beach.

So, that’s it, the end of the treatment road for us. I’m a barren menopausal 29 year old who will never have biological children. I’m an only child, so my family’s line ends here. No one will have the pleasure of inheriting my frizzy hair or my husband’s thick eyelashes. I’m free to pursue a career that isn’t family friendly. We may look into adoption someday down the line, but there’s no rush… heck I’m not even of the appropriate age yet for many agencies. Oh the cruel irony.

We would have been really great parents.

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Entry filed under: IVF #2 - the cycle of hope and happiness.

7dp3dt: It’s a food baby CD3: Where I bid you goodbye

20 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Beth  |  July 1, 2010 at 9:26 am

    I’m so sorry. There are no words… but a gentle hug is beaming your way.

    Reply
  • 2. Lea  |  July 1, 2010 at 10:00 am

    Oh, sweetie. I’m so very sorry. I know there is not much comfort right now, but I’m wishing you peace in this process. Many hugs.

    Reply
  • 3. Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)  |  July 1, 2010 at 11:14 am

    I’m sorry. I’m just so very, very sorry. My heart is completely broken for you.

    Reply
  • 4. Mrs.X  |  July 1, 2010 at 11:22 am

    What sad news. While you have not chosen this path, or how the journey has ended, I have a pretty good feeling that you will find some way to see the sun still, for there is one for you both and it is beautiful and fulfilling. I know that it doesn’t seem like that right now, but just hold on.

    Reply
  • 5. Adele  |  July 1, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    This sucks. I’m so very sorry. The universe just can’t get ANYTHING right.

    Reply
  • 6. Missy  |  July 1, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    I’m so sorry. I wish there was something more profound I could say, but know that I am thinking of you.

    Reply
  • 7. t0r  |  July 1, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    I’m sorry too 😦
    😦

    I am sure you need time to be sad and mourn and don’t want to hear positive rainbow fluff… but.. you know me 😉 and I think you still will be awesome wonderful amazing parents one day, it just might not be in the way you thought/hoped/planned. There is a child out there that is meant for you and you will find them one day somehow!

    wedge o’clock tomorrow?

    Reply
  • 8. amber1279  |  July 1, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    I am so sorry ((HUGS))

    Reply
  • 9. lastchanceivf  |  July 1, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    I’m truly sorry for this. None of us should know this pain….wishing you peace.

    Reply
  • 10. Susan  |  July 2, 2010 at 5:50 am

    I’m so very sorry that you too are experiencing the end of the road. Its so very hard-mourn it.

    Hugs to you.

    Reply
  • 11. Heather  |  July 2, 2010 at 7:18 am

    Stopping by from LFCA. I am so sorry about your cycle. I can totally relate to how you feel. When we stopped treatments in was on the heals of another IVF failure and it was the toughest thing I’ve ever done. I’m not “over” it and I’m not sure I ever will be. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but please know you aren’t alone in this. It’s a huge loss to morn.

    Take care.

    Reply
  • 12. Pundelina  |  July 2, 2010 at 8:09 am

    Oh no. That’s sucky terrible awful news FCL. I’m so so so sorry that this cycle hasn’t seemed to work.

    I only kind of know how crap you must feel and that’s pretty fucking crap so all I can say is that I’m thinking of you and wishing that it was different and cursing the Universe for its unfairness.

    Reply
  • 13. cowgirltn  |  July 2, 2010 at 9:40 am

    I am so sorry. I hope hope hope your day in the sun is coming and you will get to be parents.

    Reply
  • 14. nancy  |  July 2, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    I’m so sorry for your bfn. And I’m definitely not to type to shove rainbows and puppydogs up your ass but I’m compelled to tell you my story. I tested a virginal while frer on 10dp3dt and got a bfp on 11dp3dt. My beta was only 15 at 11dp3dt but it kept doubling right on track. I know its rare, but it does happen. And here’s that it happens to you too. ~hugs~

    Reply
  • 15. Delenn  |  July 2, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Coming from LAFC — so very sorry this part of the road is closed to you.

    Reply
  • 16. TwoDogMama  |  July 3, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    Here from LFCA – I am so sorry. I too am a barren, 31 year old childless woman. Not an only child, but basically the only chance my parents and in-laws had at a genetic grandchild. I do want to say you are not too young for adoption. We are pursuing that this time but it too is a hard road. We just had a disruption 3 days after we went to get the baby, after she was born. I wish no one had to endure what we do. It sucks and I have no other words. I’m so sorry for you and your husband.

    Reply
  • 17. jen  |  July 3, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    Here from LFCA. I’m so sorry. What a terrible ending to such a long and difficult journey. I wish there was something the collective internet could do. This just sucks.

    Reply
  • 18. Mad Hatter  |  July 4, 2010 at 1:36 am

    I’m so sorry. I hope it’s okay that I’m keeping hopeful for you over here. As one who is close to 39 with POF, I have read countless stories of women with POF conceiving post-ART and without ART. I hope it’s okay that I hope this for you. ((Hugs))
    Love,
    Maddy

    Reply
  • 19. womb for improvement  |  July 4, 2010 at 4:41 am

    I am so sorry. I know how devastated you must feel. Take care.

    Reply
  • 20. Mom to be  |  July 8, 2010 at 7:36 am

    I litterally cried my eyes out with that last sentence.

    So much I recognize in your story. The low responding, the disappointments. I was just about to search for an egg donor (in my mind carrying a baby was more important than DNA). We were also going to start the adoption lessons and procedure to save time..

    All of a sudden everything changed. I became one of the sotries nobody doing treatments wants to hear about. SO I’ll stop talking now.

    But know that you are in my heart (even though we don’t know each other),I think about you and understand how you feel. I always will and I’ll never forget how it feels: the PAIN.

    Take care my dear..

    Reply

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About

After 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve at the ripe old age of 29, I am now looking for information on embryo donation and adoption. I'm taking a break from blogging but will return when our path out of the world of IF becomes more clear.

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