Checking in

March 11, 2011 at 3:14 pm 4 comments

Another March 11 has rolled around, and it seemed fitting to check in. I’m a bit surprised by how much traffic this blog still gets and figured that the universe was due an update.

Today doesn’t have me feeling as bummed as one might expect, given that it is a special day for SH and I, and would have been our due date if the last IVF had worked. Which is both good and bad I think. Good because I am slowly moving on emotionally and feeling better able to accept that my future doesn’t look at all like the one that I had carefully planned. Bad because I’ve spent the last nine months in a general malaise, and feeling much of anything in that department right now would probably be an improvement, or would at least help me figure out where to go from here.

I am graduating in May, something I am excited for but that also terrifies me. Unemployment in our town is around 8%, and job prospects are non-existent. I’m actually considering starting my own business by day while beertending at the local pub by night. Or going to grad school. Or both.

Once I get settled after graduation it puts us dangerously close to our self imposed deadline for starting up the adoption train. I still have mixed feelings about adoption, on one hand it is starting to feel more like a good option and less like a “second choice.” My mom was adopted and I’ve always had it in the back of my mind as a choice for family building, even before infertility. IF changed my view a bit though, it made me understand how precious the ability to be a parent is, and the thought of taking that away from someone breaks my heart. So if anything, it has made more more hesitant to adopt.

We went to the fall foster-adopt fair held by our county, and stayed all of about 3 minutes. The place was chaos, kids running all around, scary clowns, tables of different groups with kids available through the system. It was so overwhelming.

We still talk a bit about embryo donation as well. There is some question as to if we would qualify for it through our clinic (there is some wording about how both partners need to be infertile – I guess since it is just me we would need to do egg donation?) My hesitation with this is that it is still so new, the psychological impact on the child is really unknown. At least with domestic open adoption the child can still have a relationship with the biological family.

We had been feeling pretty good about these options, especially domestic open adoption, until we visited SH’s brother last weekend. Seeing his 2-year old daughter, who looks like she could be my own child with SH, was heartbreaking and for the first time really showed us what we are really missing out on. So that got me thinking about IVF again. If finances weren’t so limited I think I would try it again, or try donor egg.

But really, the only conclusion that I have come to is that we don’t have any options that I feel 100% good about, so it is so hard to know how to move forward.

Most of my original blog friends are parenting now, and it is nice to know that most of the time people do emerge to the other side. I still want to believe that I will be there with you someday, but my path just hasn’t materialized.


Entry filed under: life.

CD3: Where I bid you goodbye

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Missy  |  March 11, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Thinking of you as you decide on the next phase of the journey. You are right that at times it can feel as if there is no right way.

  • 2. barrenlazza  |  March 13, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    I was in a state of limbo for ages too. We were so lucky to have three friends offer to donate their eggs. But it didn’t feel entirely right and we began to ponder and plan for a future without children.

    Then my sister offered which suddenly made everything seem OK.

    Out of this vacuum something is sure to materialise or crystallise for you too.

    Keep pondering and posting

  • 3. DH  |  April 23, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    I stumbled upon your blog while searching for “non-religious embryo donation.” There is a non-profit agency called Miracles Waiting where direct embryo donation can be facilitated. They have a website where donors and recipients can post their own ads and the level of openness (completely anonymous to completely open with regular contact) is left up to the parties participating in a donation. I only mention this because you metioned that at least with open adoption the children can have a relationship with the bio family. This is possible in embryo adoption as well. I don’t have anything to do with the site, I just found it myself and after reading here thought it was worth mentioning. Good luck to you.

  • 4. Annchen  |  May 19, 2011 at 5:19 am

    Hi there!

    I understand the sadness in your messages totally – have not been writing for 2 years because I just could not talk about it anymore… (

    But after 7 years, a small wonder happened – due date is today (even though she shows no sign yet of wanting to appear). I suppose some extra days I can still take now…

    Keep believing in yourself – no matter how hard it is. Don’t fall into the “self-destroying prophecy”. We traveled to the sources of Sirmione, Lago di Garda in Italy – we did not realize that they “say” these water sources have healing powers, but we came back pregnant – a month after all doctors confirmed that it would not happen … After a year of IVF and ICSI which resulted in nothing at all.

    I really, really feel with you but you MUST keep believing the future will turn your changes! I hope – and I am convinced – you’ll feel the same way as I do one day. You will NOT be part of that percentage who will have no children, you just have to keep believing in yourself!!

    Lovely hugs from Germany! Live well!


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After 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve at the ripe old age of 29, I am now looking for information on embryo donation and adoption. I'm taking a break from blogging but will return when our path out of the world of IF becomes more clear.

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