No news = good news?

I didn’t get any phone calls canceling tomorrow’s transfer, so I am hoping that is good news. But I’m not sure if the embryologist checks on the little guys on Sundays, so I can’t be too confident.

We spent the day going on a lovely hike to prepare me for the next week or so of taking it easy. We’ve had a lot talks about what to do if this dosn’t work. Super Husband is all gung ho to do IVF again, but given how I have had such a poor response both times I’m hesitant – and rightly so. We have enough $ left in the inheritance coffers for one more go, but I’d rather put that towards adoption.

So, our worst case scenario plan involves us both getting in better shape… me shedding the 15-20 lbs of TTC weight from the last four (!) years and turning the “baby” room into an exercise room.  He is also interested in the idea of embryo adoption more than regular adoption, which suprised me. We had talked about how if we had extra embryos we would adopt them out, but the bleeding-heart libral pro-choice hippie in me has a hard time reconciling the fact that the embryo adoption “industry” seems to be driven by super-conservative right-to-lifers who call the stored embryos “babies living in liquid nitrogen.” 

But I do like the idea that the embryos were created out of love and hope and desire for a family. Clearly it is something I need to do a little more research on.

(fingers crossed that I don’t have to…)

Edited to add:  Perhaps I need to clarify that we do not have frozen embryos to donate. We would be on the recieving end. Comments telling me where I can donate my frozen embryos will be deleted.

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June 20, 2010 at 3:58 pm 3 comments

Fertilization report

Don’t count your chickens before they hatch…

My RE personally called me this morning to deliver the news that of the 12, 6 were mature (expected) but only 2 fertilized with ICSI.

Two. 

It’s a bit of a letdown after yesterday’s excitement over the 12. I’m trying not to think about how last time I had three and only one made it to a day three transfer.

So our day 5 transfer is changing to a day 3 transfer, I get to go in and pick up the embryos on Monday. I won’t get another phone call unless I needent bother showing up.

I’ve got every bone in my body crossed that I get to make that drive down out of the mountains one more time.

I’m trying to keep hope at bay, but it’s hard. Especially since today I looked up when my due date would be if this all works…  Take a moment and revisit this post from last year’s IVF, paying special attention to the month that SH and I have planned to take off for the last few years and our “cosmic anniversary”…

I couldn’t believe it when I saw it, so I ran it on a different site:

Yah. That one is going to be hard to put back in the closet.

June 19, 2010 at 11:26 am 3 comments

Retrieval report

I’m home from retrieval!  I was thrilled to find out that they got 12 eggs!!  They warned me that probably only half will be at optimum maturity, but I am still very, very happy.

The hardest part was the IV – my veins kept collapsing and they had to stick me 3 times. They finally got it in my left hand.  Thank goodness my next blood draw isn’t until my beta!

More later, including the tale of our hotel. I’m on very little sleep and I need a nap.

June 18, 2010 at 12:05 pm 3 comments

still chugging away

I’ve still got 4-5 decent sized follicles at today’s scan. One was leading the pack at 22, the others were all hanging out at 15-18.  It looks like we are going to be on for a trigger tonight and retrieval on Friday morning.

I appreciate the reports of successful pregnancies from a small number of follicles. For me it really is all about the quality, not the quantity. Seeing as how my response is lower than last time with more drugs, I am really starting to come to terms with accepting my diagnosis of calling-it-quits ovaries. Of course I had been hoping to have a lot of embryos to choose from, with some frosties for future siblings, but I will take what I can get. My main fear is having low quality eggs that don’t fertilize, and not having anything to transfer.

I really wish that I could just hide under a rock and emerge in a week or so. I’d even gladly take the two week wait over this wait….   I can start hoping after I know that I have embryos! 

I will leave you with a photo of yesterday’s double rainbow. I didn’t hold back on the wishing!

June 16, 2010 at 8:28 am 4 comments

Quickie

Add this to the list of things NOT to do while stimming:

Do not take your knitting tape measure and flip it over to the millimeter side and add up all of your follicles so you can get a “real life” understanding of the size.

Ow, now I understand why I am so uncomfortable!

June 15, 2010 at 10:23 am 3 comments

Signs I am running out of hope – updated

Today’s ultrasound only showed 5 reasonably sized follicles.  There’s talk of converting to an IUI, but I’m wanting to follow through with IVF. We shall see if they even let me. I should know more when they call me this afternoon. Hey, at least I can stop worrying about overstimulating!

Still, there’s not a ton of hope floating around Casa de Love today. For instance, I have started pondering what kind of birth control I will use if this cycle is a bust. I know that there is really no chance for a miracle baby, but I think I will need birth control for at least a few months so I can break the cycle of charting and hoping.

When I see people with their kids I pay more attention to the ones who seem miserable than the ones who seem blissfully happy.

I’ve started thinking about what to do with the spare bedroom.

I’ve been pondering a move back to the big city we came from. All our friends up there are done with their baby-making. This way we can be spared the inevitable pregnancy announcements from our pile of child-free friends here. Or perhaps a move somewhere that isn’t child friendly, like the carribiean. We’ve talked about opening a sailing charter service.

I looked at airfare to New Zealand yesterday.

I really am trying to stay hopeful. After all, 5 eggs is better than none. There is still hope for a successful retrieval and a rockstar day 5 blast. I’m sure that there are people out there who got pregnant with a worse response. That is the future I am trying to focus on right now. It currently seems as though retrieval will be Thursday or Friday. Come on eggs, grow!

Update – looks like they are trying for more eggs – I’m to stim another two to three days with retrieval on Friday or Saturday. I’m really starting to feel uncomfortable so this is mixed news, but I’m trying to focus on the positive!

June 14, 2010 at 8:34 am 5 comments

Slow progress

I survived getting out of bed at 5:30 this morning and making the drive down to the “real” clinic.  I’m glad to have had the opportunity to find the clinic and meet the staff before the big day.

Some highlights:

  • Not a lot of follicles – only 5 or 6 total. One that is already too big that will be sacrificed.
  • I will probably need an extra day or two of stimming. (I was expecting this)
  • They had a heck of a time drawing my blood. It required three sticks total. They seem to think I have scar tissue on one of my veins from my last IVF, and that is why it hurts so bad.
  • The doctor said “IF we get to retreival…” Which made me a bit panicky. But then he called a few hours later and said everything looked good with my blood.
  • I made it home in time for the farmer’s market!

I’m trying really hard to not just give up. But I’m exhausted and stressed and hormonal, and starting to go just a little mad!

June 12, 2010 at 5:02 pm 2 comments

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About

After 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve at the ripe old age of 29, I am now looking for information on embryo donation and adoption. I'm taking a break from blogging but will return when our path out of the world of IF becomes more clear.