April 6, 2010 at 5:48 pm 6 comments

I think it is safe to say that it is officially spring here in the southeast US. We went from piles of dirty snow to 80 degree weather in the blink of an eye, and now our dirty clothes hamper is filled with sweaters that we probably won’t get around to washing until July.

Everyone and everything seems to be reemerging from a long hard winter. A dog walker goes by my window about every 10 minutes. My early and mid spring bulbs are all blooming, confused by the quick transition from cold to hot. And tonight, the neighbors accross the street emerged from their house with their new baby for the first time since it was born two weeks ago.

Their front porch perfectly aligns with my kitchen window, which is right in front of the laptop where I currently sit. I couldn’t help but notice that they chose the moment that I sat down to read IF blogs to show off the new baby. They’re up there right now, eating dinner and canoodling the baby. I want to go and sit on my front porch and do my reading for school, but then I would be face to face with them and I’m not ready for that.

For the past two weeks they have had a sign on their mailbox with a big photo of the baby, “Introducing Charlie,” and a request to be left alone. Charlie. Also known as my dad’s name. Also known as what we planned to name our baby, if we had a boy, to pay tribute to my dad who is the one who chose to use his inheritance on our fertility treatments.


I try to tell myself that there can be two Charlies on the block, that someday they will move, or we will move, that there are two Aidens and no one cares. (of course one is 8 and one is 5 and they moved onto the street with that name already. )

I’m trying really hard to walk the fine line between optimism and detachment from this cycle.  On one hand, there is the power of positive thinking. On the other, there’s steeling myself against the inevitable pain. And the odds are in the pain’s favor.

(they’re still up on their porch. eating sandwiches and fizzy water. they look happy. I’m jealous.)

So, to answer your question W4I, what are the odds of having just one?  Well, the odds of pregnancy are 20%.  If I am pregnant, the odds of twins are 20% and more than that is 7%. I’m not advanced enough in my math skills to then be able to say that the chance of 1 is x%.

I had my 3rd HCG booster today, marking the last injection for this cycle. I’m reminded of how cruel progesterone is. Why does estrogen make you feel so wonderful and hopeful and full of life, only to have it followed by progesterone and it’s depths of despair?

Two days ago I was optimistic. Today I feel like all the needles and hope and 20 extra pounds have all been for nothing.


Entry filed under: IUI of Love, #s 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5, woe is me.

And now we wait one way or another

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Pundelina  |  April 6, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    But it isn’t for nothing! All that pain and the rollercoaster for a chance. A really good chance!

    And hey – two Charlies on the same street is no big deal, and Charlotte can be shortened to Charlie 😉 But it is way annoying of them to use your name.

    Fingers crossed for you!

  • 2. Lea  |  April 7, 2010 at 10:38 am

    Thinking good thoughts for those 5 follies! And you know, I had absolutely no faith that this cycle would work for me. None. Even after the positive test I still said, no way. So, don’t give up. I know it’s hard. Hoping for you!

  • 3. Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)  |  April 7, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Spring is definitely here, and my bulbs are quite confused as well. I guess it’s nice to see the daffodils, tulips and anemones all in bloom at the same time, but I wonder what that will do for their growth next year.

    I have a friend that used my girl name (not on purpose– pure coincidence), and it crushed me. Having two Charlies on the same street might be slightly weird, but you’re right that you guys will move or they will or whatever. You don’t have to choose to be in each others’ lives at all. If it makes you feel too terribly weird, I would just casually drop into conversation when you meet little Charlie that this is your dad’s name and you’ve promised to name a boy with that same name (or whatever level of explanation you want to offer). You could even joke about how that will be interesting to have those two living across from each other, but sharing this fact now might diffuse some of the future weirdness if you have a boy.

    But still. I’d be really upset if I walked outside and saw a sign welcoming Jack and Henry on my neighbor’s house. I would be downright pissed. I’d probably do something really childish were I in your situation, like dropping by with a six pack of really excellent beer, and then sighing and saying, “Oh, I guess you shouldn’t have this if you’re nursing little Charlie.” Or inviting them out to see a band play, and then wistfully remarking that Charlie will need them to stay home, so you understand if they can’t make it. Or, you know, something else equally as juvenile… But then again, I’m kind of an asshole.

    Oh, and you have a 14.6% chance of having a singleton. And a 4% chance of having twins, and a 1.4% chance of having more than twins on this cycle.

  • 4. Sarah  |  April 7, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    I know how you are feeling- and I think it is totally normal. Let everyone who is supporting you help you hang onto the hope that is there within you. This cycle is definetely not a bust yet..and I am hoping and wishing for you. I get my first iui of love tomorrow- then starts the torture of the 2ww. I’m right behind you!

  • 5. womb for improvement  |  April 7, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    Thanks to Kate for filling in the missing figure!

    I haven’t told anyone ‘our’ name and am paranoid that it’ll be nicked before we get a chance to use it. Ridiculous, but important nonetheless.

  • 6. Adele  |  April 7, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    I wish I could alter the view through your window, kind of transport them to someplace else. Someplace where you wouldn’t have to see them because it sounds like torture (and I would completely keep looking, driving the nails just a bit deeper).

    I’m sorry it’s a tough time. But I hope that another optimistic one comes to replace it soon. And I agree with Pundelina – it’s not for nothing. It’s for a real shot. (Though, I think detachment is pure, self-preservation).


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After 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve at the ripe old age of 29, I am now looking for information on embryo donation and adoption. I'm taking a break from blogging but will return when our path out of the world of IF becomes more clear.

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