February 24, 2010 at 12:47 pm 2 comments

Sorry I’ve been away, I’ve been pondering all the great mysteries of life.  I’m sure that no one is surprised that I am pondering some major decisions and can’t make up my mind.

Yeah. I’m like a broken record.

Where were we?  Oh yah, not pregnant.

A month later and we are still in the same place…  I had a beautiful cycle. A gorgeous chart. An OPK with a test line twice as dark as the control line. Day 14 ovulation. Perfectly timed se.x. A nice temperature rise with a lovely dip on day 8. And here we are on Day 28 / Day 1.

Bleh.

There’s something more devastating when a beautiful, perfect cycle ends in not being pregnant then when a messed up wonky cycle ends in the same result. I shed a few tears and am moving on. That cycle (#43!) is over, and we are moving on to lucky number 44!

I feel better then I have in the last six months. I’ve started jogging again, I’m doing yoga four times a week, I’m eating well and starting to lose a little weight. I feel balanced, fertile, calm.

(All the more reason why this month should have been the month!  $*#(@*(#*$*#(^&%@!)

Deep breath. Balanced. Fertile. Calm.

So this morning when I woke up with cramps and instantly knew that this cycle was all over, I decided to muck up that balance as much as possible by mentioning to super-husband that I think it’s time to go back to the RE.

I’m trying to figure out if I am making a huge mistake.  If fertility treatments threw me so far out of whack that it took 6 months to regain balance, would it be stupid to go back to something that I know is prone to messing me up physically and emotionally? Should I keep at it on my own, assuming that the fact that I feel so good really does mean that I am more fertile? For how long?

Or… should I take advantage of the fact that I feel better then I have felt in years and go back to the RE? Perhaps with continued yoga and acupuncture and jogging I will be able to stay in balance, and the treatments will have a better chance for success?

This leads me to my second ponderance… I am considering doing an injectable IUI cycle because it will have less impact on my body. It scares me a little because of the whole lack of control, multiples issue… but I only made two viable eggs w/ IVF… Does anyone have any experience with this? I almost feel like it’s moving backwards.  But maybe going at this in an attempt to maintain balance is actually moving forwards?

Argh.

Either way, it looks like I will be going in for some day 3 bloodwork on Friday morning. Hopefully the results will be illuminating, and won’t further cloud which path I should choose.

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Entry filed under: life.

Goes without saying Making progress

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)  |  February 24, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    I would have a detailed conversation with your RE about what protocol changes they want to make to overcome the issues you encountered last time. It may be that an IUI might be worth it to try. For me, the injectable part was what had the most impact on my body, but if the process of actually retrieving the eggs was what threw your body for a loop, then definitely ask about taking that step out of the process. But whether it’s IUI or IVF, I’d find out if there’s anything they’d recommend trying to get more eggs and/or higher quality eggs.

    I don’t discount feeling good and taking care of yourself as having a major impact on fertility (it did for me– I dieted, me.tformined and exercised myself out of PCOS-related fertility issues), but I do think that if your IVF cycle outcome made your doctor think that you are possibly dealing with premature ovarian failure type of issues, I don’t know that I’d recommend waiting to find out whether trying on your own a little longer will work. And I say so not because I want to push you into a diagnosis that isn’t accurate, but because when you are dealing with issues that have an expiration date (as in the male factor issue with my rapidly aging husband), waiting can take you from “treatment may help” to “treatment *could* have helped six months ago…” And I don’t mean to scare you or make you feel like you have to rush yourself, but really I just want to provide my perspective on why we decided to go ahead with IVF/ICSI when we could have done things to naturally improve H’s sperm counts and tried on our own for a while.

    And yeah. I understand wanting to avoid multiples. Pregnancy with two is a lot harder than with one, and MAN, baby stuff is expensive, and planning to care for two is expensive. BUT, as a result, you become part of an insular network of women who have more advice and resources to offer you than any other forum I’ve encountered. And people want to help more, and people offer more donated things and more gifts and just more support than when you have only one. So it’s almost like it balances out a little bit. Before I knew I was pregnant with two, I really didn’t want twins, and risked it only to up my odds of success with the IVF cycle. But since becoming pregnant with twins, it’s… well, it’s not as bad as I thought it might be, and in many ways is really, really cool. It’s like we all kind of grow to meet our circumstances, and if you did somehow end up with multiples, I KNOW you’d kick ass as a mother to multiples. (BUT, again, I do *totally* understand how much the possibility of multiples freaks you out when you start facing decisions about treatments that could result in more-than-one…)

    Wishing you the best, and I’ll be thinking about you in the coming days as you begin your bloodwork for this next cycle…

    Reply
  • 2. Adele  |  February 25, 2010 at 1:14 am

    I’m sorry that you’re back to CD1:( And you’re right – somehow those perfect looking cycles sting especially. I think it’s worth talking to your doctor about the injectable IUI, and seeing what he thinks about it vs. IVF. Yeah, he’ll probably tell you that you’re going backward but the truth is an IUI can also teach you a lot for future IVF cycles. For example, he may try a different protocol on you with an IUI, and maybe he’ll hit upon something that he can tailor for a successful 2nd IVF. Perhaps that’s a loopy way of thinking, but I do think it’s worth talking to your RE (and I do really think that being in a better physical and mental place can only mean good things for a medicated cycle).

    Reply

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About

After 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve at the ripe old age of 29, I am now looking for information on embryo donation and adoption. I'm taking a break from blogging but will return when our path out of the world of IF becomes more clear.

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