Goes without saying

February 2, 2010 at 8:06 pm 4 comments

No news is good news?  Nah, around these parts it’s more like no news is bad news. I celebrated cycle day one over the weekend with the knowledge that I beat all my old records for longest cycle ever. 39 days bitches!  Beat that!

Of course I hate to think what long cycles like this means for my poor old lady ovaries, but I’m trying to push that aside for now.

We celebrated with yet another snow storm… at least this one followed a few days of higher temps and we made it to the store first. So I had bacon and knitting and lots of homework to keep me busy during the two days we holed up in the house. The (very pregnant) neighbors brought us some dinner and we played Settlers of Catan and I was pleasant and hospitable.

My biggest crisis as of late has been trying to figure out what to DO with my LIFE. I’m nearing the end of school, the part where I need to be making some serious decisions, like do I get teaching licensure or not. And as much as I hate that it is so, children are a major part of that decision. Before IVF, I thought that it would be our magic bullet, that if nothing else worked we would do IVF and that would work and then we could move on. But it didn’t work, and now I question everything, beacuse there really isn’t anything left to believe in.

Because I don’t know if I can stomach being a teacher if I can never have children of my own.

Because if our future is in adoption, I’m going to need a job that pays more (and a church it seems…)

Because if we do IVF again, should we do it soon? Or wait until I graduate? Wait until I find a job?

In class tonight we were supposed to jot down a goal for 10 years from now. My first thought was “to have children,” of course. But I couldn’t say that in a room full of 18-20 year olds. I eventually settled on “to be happy and at peace with myself and my decisions.”  Everyone else said stuff like “buy a house,” “get married,” “own my own business,” “reduce my debt.”

I’ve read on so many infertility blogs, from people who have gone on to become parents in some way or another, that they wish they had a time machine so they could go back and tell themselves to hang on, that eventually there would be a light at the end of all this pain. I wish that a nice 40 year old me would show up and tell the 29 year old me that I was happy and at peace with all my decisions, and not to worry about the path I was choosing so much.

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Entry filed under: life.

Symptomatic

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Adele  |  February 2, 2010 at 11:15 pm

    I wish that time machine existed:( I hate this limbo that never lets you get onto the next step, and you’re right: stuff needs to be planned for, anticipated. Except the limbo won’t let you do it. But my guess is that a degree is going to help you, no matter what you end up doing, (and even if it isn’t 100% in your “field”)! And, with any luck, we will also look back at our current selves and think, “Poor things…it would have been so much easier if we’d known what good things were around the corner.” I frigging hope so, anyway!

    Reply
  • 2. Lea  |  February 3, 2010 at 11:15 am

    I have often had the same wish. I feel like a lot of things have been put on hold “just in case”. It’s ridiculous and frustrating. I hope you find a path that you are comfortable with. And sorry about cycle day one.

    Reply
  • 3. womb for improvement  |  February 3, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    I would so, so love a letter from my future. Because like you, at the moment I can not longer focus on what I am waiting for.

    Reply
  • 4. Dirk  |  February 10, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    This sounds very familiar. We are going through a lot of the same things, so I sympathize with the difficulty of making these minor decisions, like the course of the rest of your life! I think we’ll both get through it. Good luck.

    Reply

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About

After 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve at the ripe old age of 29, I am now looking for information on embryo donation and adoption. I'm taking a break from blogging but will return when our path out of the world of IF becomes more clear.

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