Symptomatic

January 26, 2010 at 10:23 am 9 comments

The alarm goes off and I fumble for my thermometer in the darkness and stick it under my tounge. We’ve had a three year relationship and I notice that my front teeth are starting to wear a groove in the plastic. 

After what feels like forever the thermometer beeps and I wander into the bathroom, start the shower, and peek at the resulting temperature. 97.98. Not bad. I’m on day eight of a temperature rise, on day 33 of my cycle. Some accidentially well timed s.ex still has me feeling hopeful even though this cycle has been a bit wonky. I recalled that last night’s dreams were about taking pregnancy tests. I couldn’t do them right, so I couldn’t trust the results.

At 8 days past potential ovulation it’s too early to be having symptoms or taking tests. But my subconscious can’t push aside the fact that it is day 33.  My breasts are sore… (actually my pectoral muscles are sore from working out yesterday) I’ve had a headache the last few days… (this semester of school has been very stressful so far and I am dehydrated) I’ve been nauseous and gassy… (a combination of stress and beans for both lunch and dinner will do that to you) I feel like I have pressure on my bladder and I have to pee a lot… (my pants are too tight and are digging into my bladder)

Right. The pants. I get dressed and pull on the one pair of pants that is fitting right now. I try to ignore the fact that I’ve gained 15 pounds since my late August IVF, just about all in my stomach. Friends glance that way when they see me, wondering to themselves if I am with child.

I wonder too.

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Entry filed under: life.

Two quick things Goes without saying

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Lea  |  January 26, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Oh, I hope so!

    Reply
  • 2. planningdoesntwork  |  January 26, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    I’ll wonder and hope for you as well. Good luck.

    Reply
  • 3. Adele  |  January 26, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Ha! Our thermometers should meet. They’d have plenty of battle scars to compare (though, I kept replacing thermometers thinking that they weren’t working…”My temperature must surely be going up higher than that,” said I).

    Good luck. At 8 days you’re more than halfway through. I read your older posts. Couldn’t agree with you more on the gay marriage thing and the slippery slope. I defy anybody to tell me that I’m not in a real marriage just because I haven’t filled a cradle, much as I want to. That’s adding insult to injury.

    Reply
  • 4. womb for improvement  |  January 26, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Sounds very familiar. Good luck…

    Reply
  • 5. Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)  |  January 26, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    That is the bitchiest of bitches of infertility… you have the symptoms, that could very well be AF symptoms, or could just be symptoms of your lifestyle in general and they fool you into thinking that you could be pregnant. And you get your hopes up, because as cynical as you are you can’t deny that tricky part of your brain that won’t shut up.

    Because here’s the thing. Our brains aren’t stupid. They know that, despite odds being otherwise, those symptoms do sometimes indicate pregnancy. And it’s that “sometimes” word that’s the bitch. Even if it’s not usual, it is always possible. Possibilities are what make us go to that place, even though we’ve been disappointed so many times before.

    So, here’s hoping that this is your “sometimes”, your “possibility”. I am, as always, rooting ridiculously hard for you, hoping along with you that this is your time. Sending the most positive of positve thoughts in a westerly direction…

    Reply
  • 6. Pundelina  |  January 27, 2010 at 4:33 am

    oh god – I too have the internal conversations about symptoms and also the tummy flab. Why oh why do we get the tummy flab???

    I hope you are gowing a wee one under your 15lbs.

    Fingers Crossed.

    Reply
  • 7. Pundelina  |  January 27, 2010 at 4:33 am

    or growing even.

    Reply
  • 8. Adele  |  January 27, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Thank you so much for breaking the Comments ice on my blog. I’ve read through your entries in the past few months and so much here is achingly familiar to me (and not just the epic fail plus the added bonus of a friend who ended up with IVF twins at the very same time or the vacation you decided not to take or the way IVF threw your body out of whack). Leonard Cohen is my Phish:)

    Re: the wheatgrass. I wish it made me feel drunk. How I wish it. There’s a health food store two blocks away that presses it right there. They think I’m crazy because I show up every two days and make excruciating faces while I drink it. They do the trays, as well, but the actual smell of it makes me feel a bit sick and so up to now I haven’t pressed my own. Keep chugging. Those French chickens can be our role models, right?

    Reply
  • 9. t0r  |  February 1, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    I wonder too!

    Reply

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About

After 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve at the ripe old age of 29, I am now looking for information on embryo donation and adoption. I'm taking a break from blogging but will return when our path out of the world of IF becomes more clear.

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