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January 1, 2010 at 1:54 pm 5 comments

I did it! I clicked the “new post” button! Take that wordpress.

So you want to hear about the searing depression do you? No you don’t… trust me. It’s not that thrilling really. It mostly consists of moping, a little crying, one instance of writhing on the floor, and lots of pacing around the house and staring out the windows at the grey sky and the piles of dirty melting and refreezing snow.

The depression has many roots… it’s the perfect storm of depression which can be attributed to the following:

  •  I have a tendency to get depressed in the winter from a lack of outdoor activity and sunshine. This depression usually doesn’t kick in until late January, but the snow, bitter cold, and non stop grey skies have kick started the seasonal depression a month early.
  • The break from school has left me without something to busy my mind, allowing it to run rampent down paths that are less-then-healthy. 
  • This is coupled with the fact that Super-Husband (who is a self-employed web consultant who works from home, I don’t know if I have mentioned that before…?) has been working extra hard lately on finishing up a project that took up most of December. Even though he swore he would take today off so we could go to a movie, he’s been working on fixing a bug for the last few hours. So there’s the added bit of wishing that we were doing something fun together during my break from school, and instead he’s working and I am moping. We managed to get out to a lunch together, and ran into one of his friends, who joined us for lunch. And so it became a lunch where I got to sit and listen to the two of them talk. About cars. Joy.
  • Christmas for me is always the time when I am most reminded of my inability to have children. And this year I got my period on Christmas morning.
  • I have a lot of regret for not going on vacation this week. Some sunshine, beaching, and live music would have gone a long way towards lifting my funk.

The last one needs some expounding upon. In the fall it became clear that we were going to have the opportunity to recreate the best vacation of our lives – four nights in Miami seeing our favorite band – which we did back in 2003.  Spending the day on peaceful Key Biscayne, Cuban food for dinner, and our favorite band at night. What better way to bring in the new year? The details were being firmed up around the time of our IVF, and we thought it would make for the perfect “babymoon” and opportunity to say goodbye to the non-parents in us, because it would be a long time before we could go do 4 nights of live music again.

But the IVF was an epic fail, and instead we started talking about how we should try again during my winter break, that we shouldn’t travel and spend money we didn’t have.

You know how the rest of the story goes…

But when I started to see the photos today of our friends rockin’ out in Miami, I realized that we couldn’t recreate the awesome vacation of 2003… that those people didn’t exist anymore. And that makes me truly, truly sad. Because we are stuck in between. Ready to move on with our lives, to be in a different place. And we can’t get there. We are no longer care-free youngsters. We decided three and a half years ago to give that life up for a life as parents, and now we just sit in purgatory.

So in 2010, my goal is to figure out how to have fun again, how to be happy again, and most of all how to find a balance. WFI pointed out that in the stages of grief, depression comes before acceptance. I’m looking forward to moving on…

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Entry filed under: life, woe is me.

Snowed In Two quick things

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Pundelina  |  January 1, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    I’m looking forward to moving on too. Here’s wishing you a much much much better 2010.

    ((hugs))

    Reply
  • 2. Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)  |  January 2, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Ah. I have had similar moments in my life (last year about this time was one of them) where I kind of looked about me and realized that I just don’t lead the sort of fun-loving life I used to. And sometimes it feels good (I’m nowhere near as hungover, ever, as I was before) but sometimes I really mourn the loss of that “fun” person. I’m really divided about it, though. It’s like that part of my character has just evaporated, and I sometimes don’t want it back. I don’t know if I really was happier when I was having all that fun, but I know that I’m fairly happy with who I am now when I don’t have much of a social life, so I guess I’m okay for now.

    Seasonal depression hits me pretty hard, too. This has been an awfully grey fall and winter in the area where I live, and coming to Texas (even with all the pressures of family) has been a good thing because we’ve gotten a few sunny days here and there, and it makes all the difference in the world to get a break from the wrenching cold and gloom. I’m looking forward to getting home, but I’m not looking forward to arriving into the cold, knowing that the two most frozen months of the year still remain to be endured in our cold old house. I’m meant for sunnier climes, I think.

    And, OH, I get so frustrated with H sometimes with his work, because even during breaks, he rarely goes more than a day or two without doing some project related to work. And I understand the need to get things done when he can, when he is inspired to write, etc., but still- I have been asking him whether or not he’ll have a couple of days to spend relaxing once we’re back east, but he claims that he has meetings and work things and course packets to put together, so basically, NO. There will not be a single span of time where he does not work in some way (even though he could arrange it differently if he wanted to). Oh, well.

    And I *so* would have kicked H’s ass if he’d pulled some crap like talking about cars during one of our few and far between times out together.

    I am so sorry that this winter has been hard on you, friend. If we ever have a break in the weather, you should come out for a hike with me at Hanging Rock, if you haven’t been there yet. It seems that H and I went last year at some point during Jan or Feb when there was a brief break in the weather, and it really felt great to get some fresh air in my lungs after being cooped up all winter. Not that you don’t have plenty of hiking closer than Hanging Rock, but if you ever want company on a hike, let me know.

    Reply
  • 3. Finch  |  January 3, 2010 at 8:53 am

    Dark, gray, miserable winter can suck sometimes. Hope a little sunshine comes your way.

    Reply
  • 4. womb for improvement  |  January 3, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    I wish I knew what to say. I did go away this break, and for few nights we were the same, carefree people we were in 2003. I’ve given up with purgatory and limbo and decided to live in the moment. And if it is a two week wait that moment might not include partying but I still don’t want to feel like I’m treading water.

    (Sorry if this sounds like I’m preaching, I’m not I just want to encourage you, you can find that balance).

    Reply
  • 5. Lea  |  January 4, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    I feel the same way, most of the time. I’m also tired of being in limbo and ready to reclaim some of the joy I’ve lost. It’s complicated though. Especially while still going through treatments of some kind. But like WFI, I believe there is a balance somewhere. Thinking of you.

    Reply

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About

After 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve at the ripe old age of 29, I am now looking for information on embryo donation and adoption. I'm taking a break from blogging but will return when our path out of the world of IF becomes more clear.

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