Don’t want to be anything, where I don’t know when to stop

November 17, 2009 at 7:29 pm 3 comments

Ok, so people tend to have strong feelings about ph.ish, either positive or negative. I’ve alluded several times over the past year to my hardcore fandom to a particular band and really – there’s no point in pretending anymore. I’m officially coming out of the closet.

One thing that I deeply love about them, is their ability to speak to me through their songs to whatever place I am at in the moment I am hearing the music. Different parts of songs will resonate with me at different times in my life. Lyrics I didn’t understand will become clear. I will find myself sobbing in my car, or laughing out loud during a concert. They have been able to do this for me for over half my life. I think that says a lot.

So, I wasn’t too suprised today when this song came on during my drive to school, while I was thinking about a recent post from W4I about how with infertility, it can be difficult to know when to stop. That really, only a pregnancy or menopause will make you stop. She has been trying for three years like me, and has decided that she will give it ago for only another two years.

Five years of trying to have a baby.  Man, if I thought three years seemed like a long time, five seems unbarable. I’m ready to be on the same page as her, to get my life back after a long five years. But unlike her, I won’t be 35 – the magical age of declining fertility – I will be just turning 31. Super-husband will be 39.  At 31, I should have another 4 years of peak fertility, and the idea of quitting so young turns my stomach. But so does the idea of carrying on any longer.

Hence the weepyness. Thanks a lot ph.ish.

In other news, the neighbors? They are now officially confirmed in the baby department. She told me when we went to lunch together last week. I’m changing my guess to natural pregnancy, as they haven’t had a single ultrasound, nor do they plan to have one. Home birth. When I ran into them the day after my negative beta they had just heard the heartbeat.  I’m suprisingly fine with all of this. (Just please please please let me be next…?)

In guilty pleasure news, one of my favorite night time soap operas, One.Tree.Hill had a brief foray into infertility last night. One of the main characters told her boyfriend that she thought she might be pregnant, so she went to the doctor, and not only was she not pregnant but she can never. have. children! (cue dramatic music and tears)  This character has not made her desire for a baby a secret – last season she did some foster care for both a baby and a teenager.

But it left me wondering… What can her doctor have done in that quickie “nope, you aren’t pregnant” visit that made them discover that she can’t have babies?  While I enjoy seeing infertility woven into the plot lines of mainstream shows because it helps to make infertility seem more mainstream, it really irks me when they don’t portray it correctly. But I suppose, having the characters realize that they really want a baby… so they get married and start trying… and trying… and trying… and going to the doctor… and getting referred to an RE… and having an HSG, and bloodwork, and ultrasounds, and taking pills, and crying a lot… well, that dosn’t make for good TV.

Have you seen infertility or foster or adoption depicted on TV in any way?  How do you think they did with depicting a realistic situation?



Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

Post #97 Snowed In

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Jem  |  November 19, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    I haven’t seen much about IF on TV…

    Wait, I have! On a recent “Lie to Me” they had illigal harvesting of donor eggs as the major plot line. They showed how poor women were exploited and how the hormones drive a woman crazy.

    In movies I’ve seen more IF. In “Marley and Me” Jenn.ifer Ani.ston’s character has a m/c.

    Saw “Up” on the plane last night. Their dipiction of IF during the opening montage was very moving. It shows the young couple’s desire to have babies, then them sad in the Doctor’s office. It didn’t go into detail.

    We’re slowly coming out of the closet.

  • 2. Merlot  |  November 23, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    I almost never see anything about adoption or infertility on TV, and when I do it’s on TLC. The Adoption Story on TLC isn’t always realistic. Remember when on Friends Monica and Chandler adopted in a simple adoption? There have been a few main stream shows that had donor sperm on.

  • 3. Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)  |  November 25, 2009 at 11:10 am

    Just last night I saw a re-run of a Law and Order SVU episode in which we were told that 1) sperm banks accept semen from men without having any contact with them whatsoever, 2) sperm banks exist to create “designer” children, and that 3) preimplantation genetic diagnosis, while currently a wonderful tool for diagnosing genetically jacked embryos prior to transfer, is *really* being developed so that we can enhance the gap between rich and poor by allowing the rich to design their babies to be exactly a certain kind of baby, whereas the poor will just have to keep working with the genetic lottery.

    I have very often felt (in real life and that of scripted television) that people don’t fully understand what goes into an infertility diagnosis. I can’t count the number of times it’s been relayed to me that a “doctor told [her/me/whomever] that [I’d/she’d/whatever] never have kids”. And I have to think of how I can’t believe a single one of these people, because even when diagnosed with PCOS, and then also severe male factor infertility, not once was I ever told that “you’ll never have children.” And I cannot imagine a doctor saying those words, at least not in this century. I can see a doctor saying, “it’ll take substantial intervention for you to have kids” or “we don’t know if you’ll ever have kids”, but nothing pisses me off more than hearing that trite phrase because it just prepetuates the myth that “infertile” women and men miraculously get knocked up ALL. THE. TIME. I mean, yes. Those crazy one-offs happen, but not with the regularity meant to be conveyed by the “Oh, you know. Her doctor told her she’d never have kids, and she’s got SIX! Can you believe it?” stories. It’s just baloney.


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After 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve at the ripe old age of 29, I am now looking for information on embryo donation and adoption. I'm taking a break from blogging but will return when our path out of the world of IF becomes more clear.

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