Circling, with nowhere to land

October 20, 2009 at 6:55 pm 3 comments

Everyone in the house with the PMS weepies raise your hand!

Three weeks after a negative beta, ok, not just a negative beta… an epic FAIL of an IVF cycle (so epic, I am suprised to not see a link back here on failblog), and I find myself flying in circles, with nowhere to land.

None of our available options are appealing to me:

Option #1:  Try on our own. Lucy and Desi tried for 10 years and wound up with two children. Sure, it’s not totally out of the question that this might work for us, but what if waiting even one more year renders my eggs totally useless?  SuperHusband refuses to believe that there is anything wrong with my eggs, that the doctors do not know what they are talking about. But I wonder, how many people try for three years to have a baby, fail 4 medicated IUIs, and 1 IVF and then go on to get spontaniously knocked up?  I am slightly considering flying to New York to see this guy, the first doctor to preform IVF and now no longer does it, but instead tries to help couples overcome any issues to be able to conceive naturally. No one I have seen in my own area thinks that they are able to help me. I am in the process of getting an appointment with one of the ladies who runs the Infertility Cure seminars. Turns out that they are based in my town. Who knew?

Option #2:  Try IVF again. This was my first instinct as to what we would do. But, as we have already established, it was an epic FAIL. Who is to say that the next time wouldn’t be as well? I’d love to meet with my RE to ask him what he would do differently next time to increases the chances of success, but I don’t feel like paying him another $2oo just to talk to me for 10 minutes. And like option #1, it raises the question, If the problem with my eggscan not be fixed, how can I expect to get pregnant? And if it can, why do I need IVF?

Option #3: Adoption. Thinking about this more and more. And with no disrespect to adopted people, or people who adopt, I am not 100% sure that it is right for me. SuperHusband would do it in an instant, he wants to adopt an older child from the foster system, not an infant. If we do adopt, I want an infant. I feel like that is our best chance to really feel as though it is “our” child, and a part of our family. I’m worried that an older child will always feel like someone else’s child, and a stranger in our home. I know that is shallow. I also know that infants come with gigantic price tags, home studies, waiting lists… the possibility of even more heartbreak. I’m not sure that our lower-middle class income (or lack of church attendence) would even qualify us. I’m not sure we would ever be able to afford it without selling our house. And, because it is worth repeating, I am not sure that it is right for me.

Option #4:  Live child-free. This breaks my heart. But I am coming to terms with it being a possibility, especially if we choose option #1 or #2.

So for now I guess we are going with option #1 – we have another 2 months before we have to decide about winter break IVF. Anyone have any assvice to put forth? I welcome it with open arms, I can’t keep flying in circles forever.


Entry filed under: life, woe is me.

Bump-dar Biding my time

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Io  |  October 20, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    My assvice – Have you read Mel’s book? I thought that one of the things it really did well was not just lay out the many options, but explains how you can approach figuring out what the best option for you is. It walks you through the thought process without pushing you.
    Also, have you considered the option of donor embryos? It might give you some of the same issues you have with adoption, but I thought I’d throw it out there just in case. It gets around the issue of eggs, it’s cheaper than IVF, you get to be pregnant. (Remember this is ASSvice)
    I wish I had a magical option to offer.

  • 2. s.e.  |  October 21, 2009 at 9:34 am

    I say continue to circle until you find your place to land. Sometimes, just taking time and breathing offers perspective more than searching for it.

    For me, it was the heartbreaking decisions that I couldn’t come to terms with. You will figure it out and eventually everything will be o.k. All storms end.

    Take care.

  • 3. annacyclopedia  |  October 22, 2009 at 5:35 am

    I don’t have too much to add – I guess I’m with s.e. on this one. That eventually the answers become clear. It’s just that it’s so painful to have to live through all the questions and uncertainty. Hoping you find what you need to help you through this, and wishing I could give you a big hug. Hang in there.


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After 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve at the ripe old age of 29, I am now looking for information on embryo donation and adoption. I'm taking a break from blogging but will return when our path out of the world of IF becomes more clear.

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