I Confess

July 15, 2009 at 8:55 am 15 comments

Welcome to the post in which she admits that she is scared shitless to do IVF.

We’ve touched on this little item before… but back then my fear was more about tempting fate by using intervention to get pregnant. Now it is directly related to the entire IVF process.

I’m not so afraid of giving myself injections as I am of the physical responses my body will undergo. I’m scared of OHSS. I’m scared of the pain, the bloating, the grumpiness. I’m absolutely terrified of the egg retreival, the anesthesia, the aftermath. I’m scared of having to miss too much school and falling behind. I’m scared of ectopic pregnancies and PIO.

Of these fears, the biggest is that of the egg retreival. Anesthesia and I are not good friends. I had a panic attack while it was being administered when I got my wisdom teeth out. Also, super-husband has a major fear of medical “stuff” and I know that there is no way he could come with me for retreival. Which means I would be on my own. Which scares me.

The question is… What am I more afraid of?  IVF? Or of not doing IVF and never having children?

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Entry filed under: IVF #1, life.

the more things change, the more they stay the same First of many steps

15 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)  |  July 15, 2009 at 9:45 am

    Oh, that post could have just as easily come from my head! I am so with you. I know that for a while, my main fears as it concerns various ARTs was the pain factor and the medical intervention factor. I considered it a major win when I finally had my gall bladder taken care of years ago. At least that let me feel like I could organize a medical procedure and go through with it and come out the other side a survivor. But fertility procedures are different. I mean, I would never choose to have surgery just for fun- I think I proved that without crippling, devastating you-might-die kind of scenarios, I will avoid surgery at all costs. But fertility falls somewhere in between those two sides. It’s definitely an optional process, but at the same time, the consequence of not doing it is psychological pain that may be just as unbearable as the whole you-might-die kind of physical pain.

    Sigh. I guess I just mean to say that I relate 100%. I really, really do.

    Reply
  • 2. Lea  |  July 15, 2009 at 10:21 am

    I can totally understand your fears. It IS scary. I haven’t done IVF, but I’ve had two surgeries in the last year and a lot of IF treatments other than IVF. I have to just take them one thing at a time. Not think too far ahead into the process (whatever it happens to be). Like, OK I can get through the IV (which is my least favorite part) and not think about what happens next until that’s done.

    (((hugs)))

    Reply
  • 3. Beth  |  July 15, 2009 at 11:56 am

    I relate, too, and I have to agree with Lea- just take it all one day, one step at a time. Ask a lot of questions, and make sure the person answering has been through an IVF (or two) and can speak from experience, but know that each person’s experience is unique in so many ways. We’re strong, those of us fighting our way through IF, but that doesn’t mean we’re fearless. I’m sure we’ve all had to face some serious fears to get to this point, so please don’t let anyone dismiss yours as inconsequential. Your fears are valid, and should be addressed in whatever way helps you make the right decisions for yourself and SuperHusband. I’ll be rooting for you!

    Reply
  • 4. annacyclopedia  |  July 15, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    I hear you, my friend. There is so much to be scared of – a huge part of the reason I didn’t go down that path myself. Wishing you peace even in the midst of so many fears.

    Reply
  • 5. Dirk  |  July 15, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    We’ve gone through two egg retrievals. One went poorly and one very well. The poorly was due to a screw up I made with the drugs.

    Hang in there. It’s not as scary as it all sounds. You will get through it all just fine.

    Reply
  • 6. voled  |  July 15, 2009 at 9:00 pm

    Yeah, the whole process is scary. Is there someone else you can rely on to support you during the retrieval? Anesthesia worries me too.

    Reply
  • 7. Io  |  July 16, 2009 at 8:05 am

    I hear ya. I have the same thoughts, so I try not to think about it. IVF is still a long ways off for me, so I figure I won’t freak out until I get there. But when I do…

    Reply
  • 8. MW  |  July 16, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    Does your clinic knock you completely out or do you have a sedation option? I was given short-acting loopy drugs for my retrieval but was totally awake for the whole thing. It was uncomfortable but didn’t last long.

    Reply
  • 9. Lavender Luz  |  July 17, 2009 at 11:42 am

    I remember being at that point. Just a bag of fears.

    I shudder even now…wishing you clarity.

    Reply
  • 10. Jamie  |  July 17, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    I’ve been there…

    I ended up doing 5 IVF’s to become pregnant with my son. And I won’t say any of it was a pleasant journey. But it was totally worth it. Every shot. Every ache. Every hurt. Every tear.

    Reply
  • 11. Pundelina  |  July 17, 2009 at 10:47 pm

    I was somewhat scared too before starting – once doing it though it’s not so scary (and OHSS is rare). One day at a time. I hope it goes well for you. Oh, and ask if you can take a valium before heading in for the egg retrieval – I did that for my most recent speculum assisted look-see (my own panic-attack devil) and it helped me stay calm.

    Reply
  • 12. Ally  |  July 18, 2009 at 10:44 am

    I am in the same spot you are right now. I want a baby, but I don’t want IVF. But I want a baby, so how do I make myself want IVF? For me, I think I’m afraid of facing my IVF fears, going through it all, and still ending up without a baby. Because, after that, what is there?

    I wish clarity for you and peace in your decisions, whichever way you go.

    Reply
  • 13. Delenn  |  July 19, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    I totally can relate to that. I had many fears when facing IVF–the shots etc. The Egg Retrieval especially because I had same fears as you about going under. I also had a really scary episode at the oral surgeon. I went through 2 cycles of IVF (our 2nd one worked–my daughter is almost 15 months old). It is scary. But it was not as bad as I thought it would be. Just take it slow. Have someone there with you for the ER. And realize you are doing a wonderful thing and being strong.

    If you have any questions, please email me (email is on my blog).

    Wishing you all the best!

    Reply
  • 14. jules  |  July 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Do you have a good friend or family member who could come with you if the hubby wouldn’t be a good idea?

    For a few reasons, we decided early into IF that IVF just wasn’t going to be an option (mostly the money but also, even knowing lots of people who did it, I just felt way too uneasy about it all.

    Certainly ask tons of questions and mention about your problems with anesthesia. (I don’t know much about the options for that but at least if they know you have problems they’ll be on the look-out)

    Reply
  • 15. Wishing4One  |  July 22, 2009 at 5:34 am

    IVF is a bit scary yes. But you know what, once you do it, you will be fine, I promise. The anesthesia for you is an issue, but once the dr’s know that they will be able to determine something great for your retrieval. I have done 3 egg retrievals, i am so SCARED of needles, anesthesia, and even doctors. Well I was. I still get shakey but after the first one it has become easier. When you are ready go for it girl, its not as bad as you think. xoxoxoxo

    Reply

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About

After 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve at the ripe old age of 29, I am now looking for information on embryo donation and adoption. I'm taking a break from blogging but will return when our path out of the world of IF becomes more clear.

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