coming down

June 11, 2008 at 7:15 am 7 comments

Well, the swelling has gone down, as has my mood. I spent the weekend running from activity to activity, and when I finally had a moment alone with my husband to breathe, I spent most of it a soggy mess, leaking tears and snot. (And sweat, as it was about 93 degrees in our “cool” mountains.)

Basically, I am sick of the roller coaster ride. I am tired of not knowing where our life will be in a year. Will we still be trying to conceive? Will we have a floppy newborn? Will I be pregnant and big as a house, unable to do any activities? This has hindered our vacation planning ability, our financial planning ability, and clearly, my sanity.

We have no trips planned this summer, because we would have had to do that 6 months ago, and 6 months ago we were hoping to be knocked up and saving all of our pennies this summer. Husband doesn’t really understand. He tries to soothe me with reassurances of “it will all work out in the end,” and “let’s not rush things, it will happen when it’s time,” and other such nonsense.

It’s also time for me to decide what my boundaries are with IF treatments. When I took my puffed up self in to the doc, she said it was time to have a serious thought about clo.mid and IUI’s. I am hesitant to try this (and certainly not with her!) but I am well aware of the fact that trying for two years without a single pregnancy… well… starting with the IF treatments probably would have happened a long time ago with a more aggressive doctor. Not to mention that I’ve been off b/c since… 2002, just not actively “trying.”

I don’t know what to do, and husband says it’s all up to me. Humph. I am at least waiting until September to do anything, to give the magical HSG power a few months to do it’s thing.

In other news, we saw the “Sex in the City” movie… I was a big fan of the show way back, and I did enjoy parts of it, but parts kinda ticked me off. The part that most ticked me off?  (SPOILER ALERT!)

wait for it…

Charlotte (the infertile one, who adopted from China) got knocked up. And what did she have to say about it?  “The doctor says he knows a lot of couples who get pregnant after adopting!” and “It must be because I finally relaxed about it!”

So, she got knocked up because she relaxed and adopted.

I’ll have to tell that one to my doc.

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improvement Thud

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Kate  |  June 11, 2008 at 8:53 am

    Yeah, dude. The heat has been totally ridiculous. Not fair!

    And I’ve been where you are, and I ultimately decided to get off of the rollercoaster by way of focusing on school instead. I may get back on eventually, and at that point, I’ll have to readdress exactly how far I’m willing to go. I didn’t really include my husband in that decision initially, but now he’s on board. In retrospect, I wish that I had forced H into being a part of that decision in the first place. Ultimately, I think that H was like your husband, in that he seemed to leave it up to me, but I should have forced him to pay attention. Oh well.

    I wish you luck as you make this decision.

    Reply
  • 2. Kate  |  June 11, 2008 at 9:01 am

    Oh, yeah, and that Charlotte comment seems to have pissed off a lot of people. If I ever went to the movies, I might have seen it myself and ended up pissed about it, but as it stands, I just have to get my righteous indignation vicariously.

    Reply
  • 3. Trace  |  June 11, 2008 at 9:03 am

    I hate that. Usually I think it’s an urban legend and don’t know what to say when people say that to me. Duh, you need both eggs and swimmers for that to happen.

    Reply
  • 4. Io  |  June 11, 2008 at 9:34 am

    Good luck thinking things through in September- and with your husband. I think it can be hard for men to be on the same wavelength with us regarding infertility.

    Reply
  • 5. annacyclopedia  |  June 12, 2008 at 8:14 am

    I can really relate, too, to not feeling on the same wavelength as your husband. I really had to force Manny to talk about it, and even then it was usually “whatever you want is fine with me.” In some ways, I’ve learned to be grateful for that – at least he wasn’t resisting me or what my instincts were telling me. But mostly, it made me feel really alone. It’s very hard and I wish you a lot of strength and peace as you work this stuff out. You are very wise, I think, to consider what your limits are now, before you start treatement. It doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind later, but I felt a lot better going into it having at least a sense of where my limits were.

    Reply
  • 6. seriously?  |  June 13, 2008 at 2:48 pm

    My husband says some equally ridiculous things to me. It took me a long time to understand that he just doesn’t get it.

    Reply
  • 7. liddy  |  June 15, 2008 at 9:25 am

    I have to agree about the DH saying ridiculous things, read the last paragraph in my post “Home”.

    However, I am blessed with a great friend who went through IF. She said to me once, “This is always a slow process and both spouses are often at different points in their acceptance, understanding and dreams. Be patient.” So now when DH says things that make no sense, I no longer get irritated, I know that we are in different cars on this roller coaster and quite possibly different roller coasters, in different parks!

    Reply

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About

After 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve at the ripe old age of 29, I am now looking for information on embryo donation and adoption. I'm taking a break from blogging but will return when our path out of the world of IF becomes more clear.

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