Pushing fate

January 25, 2008 at 6:39 pm 2 comments

Ok, I will be the first one to admit that I carry around an abnormal amount of fear. Now there’s not many different things I am afraid of. Really, I am pretty bold about most things lots of other people fear. But I have an all-consuming amount of fear when it comes to something bad happening to my husband. This fear has been joined by the fear that if I get pregnant now, something bad will happen to me.

I am worried that if we start to use medical intervention to get pregnant, that it will be going against fate. Like maybe I am not meant to be a mother, or my husband isn’t ment to be a father, and that if we push fate, that I will die in childbirth, or suffer some sort of horrible complication, or thebaby will be sick. Sometimes the fear is to a lesser degree, like that I will have post partum depression and regret having the baby, or it will damage the AMAZING relationship I have with my husband.

Now, I don’t believe that other people using ART are going against fate. This fear strictly applies to me. Agood friend of mine has a beautiful IVF baby and has never been happier, so I know that it is possible. I have held the evidence in my arms.


Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

I’d like a diagnosis please! It’s CD 2. Hooray!

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. CC Rowe  |  January 26, 2008 at 5:07 pm

    Hi, I’m a friend of Bee in you Bonnet’s who just wondered over here after reading some of her blogs.

    I just want to say that these don’t seem like they are unfounded fears. Most couple who are trying to have a baby go through many of the same fears, albeit not the “tempting fate” aspect of them.

    If you are able to conceive through whatever means possible, I wish you the best. I wish you the best pregnancy, the best delivery, the healthiest child, and the best family relationship possible. I wish that you and your husband still find each other attractive, even after 3 weeks of no sleep, with spit up in your hair. And I hope that you and your family have the best life possible.

    On the other hand, if you are not able to conceive I still wish you the best. I wish for you a happy life filled with joy. I wish that you do not take it too hard that your body decided this is not in your life plan. I wish for you that your family is supportive and doesn’t pull the whole “when are you two going to have a baby?” bullsh*t. I wish that you and your husband have a long and beautiful life together.

    Most of all, I wish you peace.

  • 2. Kate  |  January 28, 2008 at 8:35 pm

    I know. I know. I know.

    I am embarrassed to admit, but there are times when I definitely notice that there seem to be more women who have extremely complicated pregnancies/births among the “intervention” crowd than among the general population. And there are logical reasons for that (irregularities that lead to difficulty conceiving can cause irregularities in sustaining a pregnancy. Or perhaps just that an IVF blog becomes a more popular story the more twists and turns it takes before success, and thus is more read-followed-shared among the community- and noticed by me…), but yes. There is always that voice in the back of my head screaming, “ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE MEANT TO DO THIS???” And I feel shitty as hell for thinking that, but there it is- raw honesty. And I certainly apply it to myself more liberally than I ever would to someone else. With other people’s stories, it’s a voice in my head. And with mine, it’s a whole body feeling in addition to the voice.

    I get it.


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After 5 IUIs, 2 IVFs, and the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve at the ripe old age of 29, I am now looking for information on embryo donation and adoption. I'm taking a break from blogging but will return when our path out of the world of IF becomes more clear.

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