Staying hopeful

I am having a hard time staying hopeful. I keep looking at study after study about single embryo transfers, but they all cite having more then one embryo to choose from. The clinic did not tell me what grade my embryo was, and I am worried that is because it was not very good. Hence the 10 cell factor.

Whenever my brain gets too far down the path of doom and dispair, these kids pop into my mind and I can’t help but smile. The official anthem of my two week wait:

Songs for the embryo: Don’t stop Dividing

You should just hit “play” now.

Hold on to that lining!

Today was a bit bittersweet. Today we transferred one 10 cell embryo.

Why one?  Because that is all we had. Of my eight eggs, only two fertilized. Of the two, only one made it past the first day. The embryologist said to me, “clearly your infertility was an egg quality issue.”

I’m trying to look at the 10 cell as a good thing – I’ve read mixed reports online, and I need to cut myself off of Dr. Google. Seeing as how there were no embryos to freeze… there is no back up plan if this does not work. Super husband and I are already quite attached to this little guy.

I’ve been having mild OHSS since my HCG booster on Saturday night. I still need to have one more booster on Tuesday, then it is just progesterone from here on out. And a lot of hope. Come on embryo, don’t stop dividing. Hold on to that lining!

Back home, less 8 eggs

We got back into town around 3pm today. Rough little experience there., especially the drive home. Super husband really lived up to his name… The sedation meds did not agree with me and I wound up puking in the car on the way home, then again on the side of the highway, and again once I got home.

Everything went great… the procedure was painful but not the end of the world. I think my HSG was more painful. All of the doctors and nurses were great and I felt really well cared for.

They got 8 eggs from 10 follicles… We call in the morning to see how fertilization went, but they told us to not be upset if the report was low, because they usually have people call in the evening. (Since tomorrow is Saturday, they close at noon.)

So, right now my eggs /embryos are in the care of an expensive babysitter from New Zealand, a place I have always wanted to visit, for three days. I’m looking forward to picking them up on Monday!!

On our way

We will be leaving after dinner tonight to drive the hour to the city that will assist me in the creation of life. We have got a hotel accross the street from the hospital, so super husband can drop me off in the morning to start my sedation process, and then he can go back to our hotel room so he can <ahem> collect in an environment that is hopefully more stress free then the hospital, thus attempting to avoid any of his collection-related issues that arose with our IUIs.

This time tomorrow I will be without my eggs, that I have grown so fond of, for the rest of the weekend… Then on Monday we will be reunited!

The trigger went off without a hitch last night. The hardest part was staying up until 11pm. After the ultra-painful meno.pur for the last 10 days, this was a breeze even though the needle was 3x as big.

Yesterday they stocked me up with my progesterone… in oil… so we aren’t done with the injections for another two weeks if I am not pregnant and indefinately if I am. I guess the universe heard my willingness to keep receiving shots if it ment a healthy baby. Here’s hoping it didn’t just hear the first part of that request!!

In my sights

The end is near!   Tonight and tomorrow will be meno.pur injections number 9 and 10, and hopefully the end of this little experience. While I was once dreading the egg retreival with it’s own drug cocktail and ability to f* up my schedule, I am now looking forward to it, as it is really the last difficult thing I will have to do in this process. Providing that I get my progesterone in suppository form and not injectable.

While the meno.pur has indeed gotten a bit better, I think that is just because I am more prepared for the pain now. I can still feel it radiate through my belly and I always unwillingly hold my breath during the whole process. The injection sites have a tendency to stay red and swollen and sore for about 2 days, so I always have two sore spots on my stomach. I’m sitting here with my jeans unbuttoned right now so the waistband dosn’t put any additional pressure on the sore spots.

To top it all off, I have a major league head cold and I can’t take anything for it. (Which seems insane since I am pumping my body full of drugs anyway) I came home early from school today, which I am bound to regret if I end up missing two days from school for retreival and transfer. But right now it looks as though retreival will be on Saturday, I am inclined to not worry about it and take care of myself.

The cold is distracting me a bit from worrying about what is next… frankly I would keep giving myself shots twice a day forever if it ment that I was gauranteed a healthy baby. I can’t bear the thought that this might not work. I’ve had to shush super-husband’s endearing hopefulness. Baby names. Nursery decorating. How I am going to be one pain-in-the-ass pregnant woman. Three weeks from now this will all be over, our fate decided. It’s overwhelming. He asked me last night if we had any plans for September 19… and I realized that I have not yet looked that far ahead. Right now my universe ends the day of embryo transfer, the day that I am pregnant until proven otherwise - the most pregnant that I may ever be.

Update:  My E2 levels are ultra high so tonight I got to decrease the meno.pur to three vials!  (it still hurt) But I suddenly have the pleasure of feeling my ovaries… especially ole righty who is working on seven follicles right now. Looks like retreival is most likely being bumped up to Friday!!!

Ruminations on lucky numbers

I don’t tend to be a superstitious person. Despite the fact that I am knitting myself some lucky socks. That has more to do with keeping my mind occupied, and less with me thinking that the socks actually posess something other then all the hope that I am channeling into them.

The one thing I do tend to be more superstitious about is numbers. One in particular: 311.

It all started when super husband and I were on a trip to Miami to see that delicious band that I have mentioned here before for a four night concert run over New Year’s Eve. This was back in 2003. We were still living in the big city and were starting to feel like we needed to make a big life change and move somewhere new. It’s all we talked about during that trip, and we were looking for signs everywhere.

Our tickets for the third night of the show were up in the top level of the arena, the 400 section. The sound wasn’t very good up there, so we wandered down to the 3oo section and looked for an unattended portal that we could sneak in to. During setbreak I needed to use the bathroom and I looked to see what section we had ended up in. It was section 311. This was easy for me to remember because our hotel room in Miami was room number 311. Ha!  Funny coincidence! Later that evening I realized that we were in row number 11, and super husband was sitting in seat 3.

The next night was New Year’s Eve and the band played until past 1am. After the show let out we wandered around a creepy Christmas village that had been set up in a park nearby, and then found a yummy all night Cuban restaurant where we had a delicious meal. When we finally stumbled into our hotel room (#311)  the clock told us that it was 3:11 am.

Freaky, no?

When I went back to work a few days later I told my boss that we would be moving away and that I would not be applying to renew my contract. I asked him when my last day was on my current contract. It was March 11. (or 3/11 for those of us in the US) That was the moment I knew that this whole 3-1-1 thing was a bit cosmic, and that moving was the right thing to do.

(As an aside, it was the right thing to do. Turns out that the Iraq war escalated, and my government job was eliminated to save money. I would not have been able to get my contract renewed, even if I had wanted to…)

So… in the years that followed we always payed special attention to anything with 311 in it. 3:11 pm -if we see the clock at this time and we are together we kiss… or super husband will text me “Happy 311!”  We decided last year that we would take the month off in March of 2011 and go on a vacation.

When we’ve been trying to conceive, three years have gone by where March 11 has rolled around and I have wondered, “is this it?” Maybe I’ll be ovulating on that day, or maybe I’ll test on that day. It hasn’t been lucky for us yet in that way… But we always call March 11th our cosmic anniversary.

Ok, let’s digress to another story…

At my visit to the RE yesterday they gave me an early birthday present.

A big bag of meno.pur and needles and alchohol swabs! I was mixing up my first batch last night when I looked more closely at the vial in my hand. And printed on the label, printed on all the labels of all the vials it turns out, is something that gave me more hope for this cycle then any lucky socks could have given me…

My meno.pur expires in March of 2011.

(ps – It is true what they say!  Ice really helps!  Tonight’s injection was much easier, a lot less like Harry and Dumbledore in the cave.)

Time for something new

So… went in this morning for Day 3 stuff – everything looks good, no cysts – all clear!  I also got my meno.pur for the next few days…

So, they have me doing 5 vials each night… Which seems really, really high to me. It’s because of the elevated FSH diagnosis. They said they might scale it back as things progress. But I have no idea what is normal?   Ok, peanut gallery – has anyone done 5 before?  I’m terrified of overstimulating and having the cycle canceled!

Update:  Ok, so the nurse was not lying when she said that the meno.pur would be painful. Not only am I traumatized, so is super-husband. Think Harry forcing Dumboldore to drink the potion in the cave. Fun times.

Lo and Behold!

The great fertility socks of wonder!

I started knitting these the day after I started Lupron as a way to keep my mind occupied throughout this process. I chose a pair that I could knit toe up and two at a time, so I can keep going until embryo transfer day when I will cast them off and wear them for luck!

Killing time

So, this is the first month in YEARS that I am anxious for my period to start. I’ve been anxious to get my egg retreival and transfer dates, at least tentitive ones, so I can notify the proper teachers that I will be out. I have a lot of assignments and tests that week, which will need to be handed in or taken early. Not to mention the fact that not knowing what is coming next, and when, creates anxiety for me and I am trying my best to be a zen-like temple of tranquility.

So of course, that bitch is taking her sweet time showing up. If this day ends with no visit, I am pretty sure that will mean that I have to drive to the main clinic on Saturday or Sunday – over an hour each way – for my bloodwork. Not how I had planned on spending my weekend, but I understand there are some nice hiking trails up there.

Giving up coffee was not helping to contribute to the zen-like temple of tranquility. Yesterday was really tough and I actually dreamed about coffee last night. Brewing it. Drinking it. This morning I begged super-husband to make a pot of crappy coffee and he did. I only drank 1/2 a cup and feel like a human being again. Caffeine is a powerful addiction, I had no idea.  So, if you are pondering IVF in your future, my advice to you is to give it up now. Because caffeine headaches and lupron do not mix!

No news is good news

I’ve decided to spare internet-land the daily blow by blow of my lu.pron suppression. But really, it’s a good thing I decided to do this, because the daily blow by blow would be boring as sh*t.

I’ve got nary a symptom from the lu.pron. In fact, all of the minor things I am feeling right now I believe have more to do with the caffeine withdrawal, because we chose this week to give up coffee.

That’s right, I have more symptoms from giving up my daily cup of joe then from the powerful drug causing my body to go into menopause that super-husband is injecting me with each morning. I guess that says a lot about how I am pretty strongly addicted to coffee!

Ok, no symptoms at all isn’t exactly the truth. I’ve had insanely vivid dreams every night since the first injection. Not really bad dreams, just very vivid. I remember them so clearly when I wake up. I’ve also had a wicked case of (*ahem*)  feminine dryness. And that’s it!  Really!  I don’t know what I was so worked up about.  Come on stims! Bring it on! Let’s see what you’ve got!

I still haven’t been able to inject myself though… super-husband has gotten quite good at it and I figure why mess with a good thing?  It’s a nice way to keep him involved I guess.

Next up… I will (hopefully) get my period on Thursday, then I can go in on Friday for an ultrasound and some blood work and start the meno.pur!  I’m hoping that egg retreival will be about two weeks from now and then the real fun can begin…. !