Post #97

I am quickly running out of snappy post titles that reflect the fact that nothing is happening in my neck of the woods. I’ve got another acupuncturing tomorrow with the fertility specialist, and one on Thursday with the pain specialist. (Yes, that nerve is still causing me trouble) I’m basically just trying to live my life as normally as possible, while also taking my BBT and analyzing my saliva every morning, remembering that OPK every afternoon, and eating my special fertility diet all.the.f*ing.time.

I’m also hoping beyond hope that all this might help me to get knocked up on my own, thus sparing me from the awful pain of having to decide what to do next. I’ve always been indecisive, and never a fan of roller coasters. Infertility is really a special kind of hell for me.

I’m also searching for some new blogs to read. I would love suggestions, preferably people with a good sense of humor who aren’t pregnant. While I am tremendously happy for those who I follow who are currently pregnant or parenting, I recently had the revelation that 90% of my blogroll had moved beyond the place where I was. I still enjoy reading those blogs (when I am in the proper headspace… after all it is encouraging to know that treatment works for some people) and I still welcome their comments (Kate, this means you!) but I’ve realized that once someone becomes pregnant, I have a much harder time commenting and offering advice and support in return. Because while I know infertility, but I don’t know pregnancy… and I suddenly feel like the the lactose intolerant person at the dairy convention.

(Edit: I think it’s actually more like a vegan at a lactose intolerance convention?)

Ok, must remove the laptop from my lap now… I’m pretty sure that’s on the list of things I am not supposed to be doing!

Happy Friday music

Many friends will be seeing the band we love in California this weekend… there’s a good chance they will cover this song. It always makes me happy.

Lo and Behold!

The great fertility socks of wonder!

I started knitting these the day after I started Lupron as a way to keep my mind occupied throughout this process. I chose a pair that I could knit toe up and two at a time, so I can keep going until embryo transfer day when I will cast them off and wear them for luck!

Diagnosis

Back in the early days of IF treatment, I wanted a diagnosis. I wanted to know what was wrong with super-husband or me that was keeping us from having a baby. And test after test came back normal.

Well,  I now have a diagnosis. Yesterday the nurse called with my money back gaurantee qualifying test results… and I have elevated FSH, which means I have low ovarian reserve. Or something. But it also means that I do not qualify for the money back gaurantee program. Which sucks.

I’m getting over it though. Having this diagnosis really helps us to quantify why we are doing IVF, and why we are doing it now. Yesterday before the results came back we were pondering (again) the idea of not doing this now, should we try on our own for another year, and came to the conclusion that no, we should do this now. We are tired of waiting, and I don’t have the emotional reserve to keep going through this process. But now that we know for certain that I have egg problems, and waiting could mean that we run out of time, we are finally at peace that we are doing the right thing.

Hurry up and wait!

Kate, over at Bee in the Bonnet, said something the other day that both resonated with me, and made me laugh. Because, people, this is exactly the big problem I have with fertility treatments:

“I hear it’s a lot of not-knowing, and hurry-up-and-waiting, and that those are frequently combined with a big fat dose of crazy-making drugs.”

Yes, that it is. And is sucks. (sorry Kate, wish I could have told you otherwise)

The last CD-1

At least for a while. Because I am officially calling it quits.

All is not well with the lady bits. After two weeks of cramping after the last IUI I officially have both a yeast infection and a urinary tract infection. I wound up at Urgent Care for three hours on Sunday to receive the good news. While they were at it they took a pregnancy test and delivered the unsuprising results. Now I’ve added good old auntie flo to the mix and am ready for a rousing chorus of “I Enjoy Being a Girl.”

So what is the plan for spring?

First I intend to lose the 15 pounds I have put on “eating for possibly two” two weeks out of the month every month for the last 3 years.  I am signing up for summer school and attempting to forget all about TTC until at least the fall whilst saving my pennies.

Come fall I’ll reevaluate things, maybe hubby will have warmed up to the idea of IVF, maybe my parents will have come around when they realize that all this relaxing hasn’t gotten me knocked up. (They still are of the mind that my stressful employment situation is what kept me from being with child for all those years) After all, what good is a comfortable retirement when there are no grandchildren?  (I am an only child, so I am their only hope!)

I’m going to try to not be too bitter, and I plan to avoid my pregnant-by-suprise man whore of a friend whenever possible – though he does like to hang out in my favorite neighborhood bar.

But for the meantime, I am going to take a strong dose of advil and have a good cry. Because this fucking sucks.

Still here…

I’m still around, menstruating, keeping up with you all, trying to figure out where to go from here.

Soon there will be a post about snow and how much I like various things that start with the letter “m.”  But for now, I am hunkering down and taking things easy.

so frustrated

I’m supposed to be having my IUI right now but superhusband can’t produce a sample.

I don’t know why he has such a hard time with this, but he does. Arrrrrgh! We have 5 more minutes before the clinic’s cut off time.

my body may be taking a month off but my mind isn’t

I’m a little over halfway through my month off TTC and I am really ready to get things going again.

At first it was nice… I stopped taking my BBT when the battery died (again!) in my thermometer. That’s two BBT thermometers down now. I’m averaging about one a year. I stopped checking my CM. I didn’t use any OPKs. This is my first month off TTC since this journey began. Back in Summer of 2006, when I was 25. Ahhhh, memories.

(as an aside, i’ve been charting for two years now, and it’s weird to have a record of every time we did the shaggy dance…)

I’ve still been thinking about TTC a lot though, maybe more so then usual since I am in such a transitional time in my life.  I’ve still been keeping up with your blogs though being a bit quiter. Last night my brain took over and I had a vivid pregnancy dream. Only I wasn’t pregnant.

I was in a large bathroom stall which was intruded upon by two very slender and attractive young women dressed in bikinis. They demanded that I relinquish the toilet to them, because they were pregnant and I was not. “We both got pregnant in the first month of trying!” one of them said. Then, “unless you are pregnant too, you have  to leave.”

Even in my dreams I am made to feel like a second class citizen because my body refuses to get knocked up.

A fresh start for 2009

Thanks for all the well wishes and words of encouragement… they do mean a lot. I’ve had similar well wishes from my IRL friends, but deep down they don’t understand the dimension that IF throws in the mix the way you do.

The threats of how I would be fired if I became pregnant were what had been keeping me at that awful job for so long. It was a small company so it didn’t have to adhear to the Family Medical Leave Act.  For years I had been thinking that I would keep the job until I had a baby, then I would go to school full time and return to a new job after a few years with my new education.

Well, this plan is just being carried out without the baby. I’ll be headed to school full time in January. With any luck I’ll find a sweet part time job to help make up to the huge financial deficit that I inflicted on our household. (I made slightly more then super husband, so our income has been slashed by about 60%…) I’ll be covered under the health insurance offered through the college, and if I am fortunate enough to get knocked up? I’ll go on medi.caid!  The state medi.caid program covers the local midwife center, and freestanding birthing centers which my fancy corporate health insurance did not.

A friend of mine told me that it sounded like I had everything figured out. I’m glad things look that way, but really I am scared sh*tless. I know the next few months will be the hardest. The good news?  Everyone seems to be in agreement that now that the stress of evil boss is gone I am sure to get pregnant no problem. (Bah! I as of yet have not enlightened them to the fact that my lack of being pregnant is due more to the fact that I don’t ovulate on my own!)

I also have to take this month off TTC, due to the cyst on ole rightie. If it’s gone next month I’ll be giving Letrozole a spin in place of the Clo.mid. I’ve been able to find very little info on Stirrup Queens about this drug, so if  you have experience with it drop me a comment with a link to your blog.

Ahhh, snow has just started falling… my former co workers are all arriving at the office, and I am enjoying my first official day of freedom. I think December will bring with it a very clean and well organized house!