Here we go!

Cycle day one was kind enough to arrive this weekend while I was on a camping vacation. It’s ok, it was expected. I was prepared with lady products and the birth control pills to start out the IVF cycle of hope and happiness.

(of course, it was HOT HOT HOT on our camping trip and I noticed that the pills are not to be stored over 86 degrees and now I am concerned oh my…)

Despite the name of the cycle, I’m trying to not get my hopes up, live life as per normal, etc etc. But you know I’m still hoping… yah    Stims start June 5th!

One more trip on the roller coaster

I’m not the biggest fan of thrill rides.

Not sure what to say about the appointment this morning. The doctor said “sure, lets try one more time with IVF before we recommend donor egg” and while I am happy to have the chance to have a bio-child, I’m also a little strained from the idea of going through this again. The doc believed that sooner is better, time is not on my side, and I’m forced to agree with him. No more messing around w/ a full year between IVF cycles.

I start BCP with my next period. IVF, this time with ICSI, in June. Here we go again.

The main difference? We won’t be nearly as nieve this time around. Since it can take 4-5 years, we’re also starting the ball rolling with adoption. I’ve got calls in to our local DSS to find out about home studies. One way or another, we will be parents.

And once more from the beginning…

I started a post a few weeks ago, and just deleted the contents. Things have changed a lot since April 22, and drastically in the last 30 minutes.

After some wallowing, super husband and I decided to give IVF another go, with the new RE in town. I went in for a consult about 2 weeks ago and got great vibes from the office and staff. They wanted to do an AMH test, so I relinquished my veins as a final test of their blood draw ability.

I didn’t hear anything from them, so when I realized that my cycle would probably start this weekend while we were out of town, I called their IVF scheduler for a prescription for some birth control pills, as well as to see if I could get my AMH results.

And she had the results, and they were not pretty. They like to see between .7 on the low end and 3.4 on the high end. My AMH?  .2

Yah. That’s point two. As in less then half the bottom number. It stopped the IVF coordinator in her tracks. She stopped talking about scheduling and said that I would need to make an appointment with the doctor and find out if he would still be willing to try IVF with me.

So the baby factory has shut its doors it seems. I’m 29 and officially barren.

Believe it or not, this news is far less devistating to me then the failed IVF cycle of last summer. To close this chapter of my life would be a welcome change.

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to talk about our options. If he seems hesitant at all about doing IVF I’m asking about embryo adoption or egg donation.

Ironically, we spent the weekend in infertile-hell. The local weekend music festival that we go to twice a year (the non-profit I work for has an interactive music display there) was this weekend. And the music display was moved from a lovely little barn to the NEW! and EXPANDED! KIDS AREA!  Yah. The adult centric but kid friendly festival had suddenly made a dramatic shift to kid centric but adult friendly. Super husband and I both got to stare what we want but can’t have in the face, literally, for two days.

The experience actually had us both warming up to the idea of a non-bio child, just so we could be parents and be in a new place with this little conception disaster. So the news that I was officially barren was perhaps a little easier to take.

Also, super husband was fired by a client on Friday. Well, not fired so much as a woman he used to work with snuck in and offered the same services at less money. So we’ve lost 1/3 of our income overnight. And let’s not forget about mother’s day on Sunday. Yah, it’s just been a shitstorm of fun around these parts!

Finding a fresh outlook

I keep having to remind myself that we didn’t really lose anything here. (Except for most of my grandmother’s inheritence.)

And when we really think about it, we gained quite a bit. This process taught me how strong I am. How I can tolerate things I didn’t think I could. That progesterone in oil isn’t that bad. I learned how much I really want to be pregnant. Before, I wanted to have a baby, but would have bypassed the whole pregnancy part if I could.

Super Husband learned that squemish as he may be, he is awesome at giving me shots. He can have his blood drawn without passing out. He can sit with me and hold my hand when I am in pain on a doctor’s table. Before this experience he never thought that he could be with me in the delivery room when I gave birth, and now he knows that he can. That he wants to be there.

We both learned just how badly that we want this. I never though that we would be those people. Willing to do anything for a child. We learned that the IVF process really isn’t that bad, that it is worth it to have a child. (Which we learned not actually having had a child, which says a lot!)

We learned that what we suspected about my eggs is true.

So, we are trying to move forward in a new light. I’ve been looking for ways to increase my estrogen production naturally. We’re thinking about trying again in December with the rest of the inheritance and a little bit of debt.  That will be the last time.

(Also considering a move to a country that offers IVF as part of a national health plan like the UK. Only mostly joking about that one.  That is more desireable to me then working for Wal.greens for 5 years.)

Believing in IVF is like believing in unicorns

Negative.

HCG= Zero.

I’m gonna get drunk and cry a lot.

As good as it gets?

I’ve got a great life. Right now I am listening to the rain on the roof, while my dog snoozes at my feet. Super-husband insisted that he take me out for ice cream after class because I was feeling blue. Sometimes I ask myself why I really want a baby so badly anyways. It really is because I love my husband so much, and I know that he will be such an amazing father. And I desprately want to see his features in a child that I carry.

I’ve had zero early pregnancy symptoms, except for the sore breasts and cramping that comes as a side effect of the progesterone. In fact, I feel so utterly and completely normal that it has me totally convinced that there is nothing going on down there, that our little cluster of cells has given up and stopped dividing. (BTW – depression is also a progesterone side effect – a particularly cruel one if I may say so.)

So today we stopped at the drug store to pick up some household items, and in the car I mentioned that maybe I should buy a HPT, to take before my beta on Thursday. Just so I could be armed for the disappointing news. He was great – calmly reminded me that a negative HPT would just be torture at this point, and that he would not allow me to put myself through that. We decided that when the time comes on Thursday, the RE is calling him with the news. I don’t want to cry on the phone. Which I will do, either way.

So we walk up to the drug store, me just about as far down in the dumps as I could possibly be. The automatic doors part and we walk inside to be greeted by the opening guitar licks of “Don’t Stop Believing.”  Our timing was impeccable. And I couldn’t help but smile.

Staying hopeful

I am having a hard time staying hopeful. I keep looking at study after study about single embryo transfers, but they all cite having more then one embryo to choose from. The clinic did not tell me what grade my embryo was, and I am worried that is because it was not very good. Hence the 10 cell factor.

Whenever my brain gets too far down the path of doom and dispair, these kids pop into my mind and I can’t help but smile. The official anthem of my two week wait:

Songs for the embryo: Don’t stop Dividing

You should just hit “play” now.

Hold on to that lining!

Today was a bit bittersweet. Today we transferred one 10 cell embryo.

Why one?  Because that is all we had. Of my eight eggs, only two fertilized. Of the two, only one made it past the first day. The embryologist said to me, “clearly your infertility was an egg quality issue.”

I’m trying to look at the 10 cell as a good thing – I’ve read mixed reports online, and I need to cut myself off of Dr. Google. Seeing as how there were no embryos to freeze… there is no back up plan if this does not work. Super husband and I are already quite attached to this little guy.

I’ve been having mild OHSS since my HCG booster on Saturday night. I still need to have one more booster on Tuesday, then it is just progesterone from here on out. And a lot of hope. Come on embryo, don’t stop dividing. Hold on to that lining!

Back home, less 8 eggs

We got back into town around 3pm today. Rough little experience there., especially the drive home. Super husband really lived up to his name… The sedation meds did not agree with me and I wound up puking in the car on the way home, then again on the side of the highway, and again once I got home.

Everything went great… the procedure was painful but not the end of the world. I think my HSG was more painful. All of the doctors and nurses were great and I felt really well cared for.

They got 8 eggs from 10 follicles… We call in the morning to see how fertilization went, but they told us to not be upset if the report was low, because they usually have people call in the evening. (Since tomorrow is Saturday, they close at noon.)

So, right now my eggs /embryos are in the care of an expensive babysitter from New Zealand, a place I have always wanted to visit, for three days. I’m looking forward to picking them up on Monday!!

On our way

We will be leaving after dinner tonight to drive the hour to the city that will assist me in the creation of life. We have got a hotel accross the street from the hospital, so super husband can drop me off in the morning to start my sedation process, and then he can go back to our hotel room so he can <ahem> collect in an environment that is hopefully more stress free then the hospital, thus attempting to avoid any of his collection-related issues that arose with our IUIs.

This time tomorrow I will be without my eggs, that I have grown so fond of, for the rest of the weekend… Then on Monday we will be reunited!

The trigger went off without a hitch last night. The hardest part was staying up until 11pm. After the ultra-painful meno.pur for the last 10 days, this was a breeze even though the needle was 3x as big.

Yesterday they stocked me up with my progesterone… in oil… so we aren’t done with the injections for another two weeks if I am not pregnant and indefinately if I am. I guess the universe heard my willingness to keep receiving shots if it ment a healthy baby. Here’s hoping it didn’t just hear the first part of that request!!