Grouchy

I’ve got a case of the grouchies. It was bound to happen sooner or later I suppose. This particular case of the grouchies was triggered by something else that falls into the innevitable category… meeting my friend the man-whore’s baby mama.

We went to the potluck knowing she would probably be there. And to her credit she seems like a lovely person, and she and man-whore seem very happy together and excited about the pending bundle of joy.

But my goodness, the freaking bump cooing never stopped. And it is barely a freakin’ bump at that. I could look the same way if I didn’t suck in my gut and ate a cheeseburger. And everyone participated in the bump cooing, not just the father to be. Except super-husband and I who just stood around awkwardly whenever a new bump-cooing session would begin.

Then, our friend the man-whore turned to us and asked the question: “So, when are you two going to have babies?” Because, you know, it is going to be so lame when he is the only one in our group with one. The first. The one paving the way. Got to insure that someone is going to follow up with another one so he doesn’t turn outcast.

Super-husband (bless him) grabbed the ball and ran with it, “Actually, we are waiting on one to arrive in the mail any day now.”

To which he received the response from a potluck attendee we didn’t really know, “the wonders of modern science, eh? ” and husband said “anyone have a spare 20 grand lying around?”  There were laughs all around and the conversation shifted and I am pretty sure that none of them still have ANY kind of clue that we were doing anything other then make a joke.  Because then man-whore cornered me and spent 10 minutes gushing about how their first ultrasound was on Thursday and he was just so EXCITED to see the BABY.

Bleh. And I wonder if any one there ever took the second to think that we were the ONLY married couple in attendence, and we have been married for SEVEN years and gee, do you think we maybe had actually given the whole baby making thing a go by now?

And so this morning I am mostly just feeling bitter and barren and depressed about the whole darned thing.

So far, my attempt at moving on and not thinking about it for the next few months?  Not working.

Scheduling Conflicts

So, you mean you can’t schedule a pregnancy for when it is most convenient for you?

You all have unanimously told me what I really should have already known. Especially considering all of the rearranging I did with my life three years ago when we started this whole journey. The big one being not going back to school and sticking with a job I hated, just for the health insurance. My mindset was that I would not go back to work after the baby was born, instead going back to school… then I would utilize the ultra-cheap on campus childcare and re-enter the workforce when the babe was 4 and ready for preschool. Voila!  Baby-rearin’ with minimal daycare… the perfect plan!

Well, we all know how it went from there…  I couldn’t get pregnant, things went downhill at work, eventually I was a great big ball of misery, and now I am back in school and still with no child, making nearly every moment a less then optimal time to get pregnant.

(You would think that the less then optimal timing would mean I would get knocked up no problem. That’s how mother nature (murphy’s law?) works, right?)

Anyways, I am going to give mother nature a few more months to wield her trickery and then launch into my first (and only!! got to be optimistic…) IVF cycle in December.  Knowing full well that the whole train could be derailed, things could go wrong, etc.  The wait is more so because I need a break then anything else, because this has been a long three years.

Pondering the Future

Super Husband thinks I spend too much time pondering the future, but I like to be able to have an idea of what to expect in the coming months. This is one of the reasons that IF has been hard on me, while he thinks I am stressing too much.

Well, with the idea that IVF might be in our future, it is giving me WAY too much to have to ponder. Not only do I ponder when a baby might enter our lives, but also when would the least intrusive time to do IVF be?

So, I would like to pose a question to the group and open up the floor to some advice (or assvice, I am game for either!)  Please chime in regardless of weather or not you have done IVF, but I am especially looking for input from folks who have been down that road and know what the landmarks are like.

I have a few times coming up in the next 6 months that would be a “good” time for me to do IVF… what would you think the best circumstances would be?

Option #1  The first two weeks in August I will be on a break from school and work, but it is only for two weeks…. after those two weeks are over I will be starting a new and rather grueling semester. (I signed up for tough classes because I figured I wouldn’t be worrying about IF treatments, hahahaha!)  I have a personal dislike for missing too much school, especially when classes are hard.

Option #2  Having a baby in June  would be ideal, because I could take the summer off from school and still be covered under my student insurance policy. If I have to take a regular semester off then I will loose my insurance and will need to try and qualify for medic.aid.  So that would mean IVF in early September, during school. Of course, it might not work on the first try, but there is no reason to believe it would not.

Option #3  Winter break IVF… I have a whole month off, can achieve maximum relaxation and just focus on the task at hand. However, success would mean taking the following fall semester off of school and I would not be covered under my student policy.

(Let me say as an aside, that I think that Medic.aid has better coverage then my student policy, but there will be the added stress of needing to qualify, which shouldn’t be that hard but you never know… and I will have one major pre-existing condition!)

Thoughts?

She Exists!

I know, I announced I was back and then I disappeared again. I certainly appreciate everyone who has stuck with me despite my flakyness as of late.

The good news is when you are not actively TTC there is actually something new to report when you only post about once a month!  And this month’s news is a bang up bit of news at that.

Last week I had a recurrance of the infections and this time went to my RE instead of urgent care. He wrote me some new scripts and then took advantage of his captive audience and told me that he was done doing IUIs, that he officially reccomended IVF.

Naturally, this didn’t really register anything with me, because we can’t afford to do anything anyway! And I casually mentioned this to my mom who up and asked me how much IVF cost. I looked up the charges for my clinic and shared them with her. And the result?  Well, it turns out that my dad just received an inheritence from his mother who passed away, and it happens to be the same amount as my clinic’s shared risk program.

So, I have the greenlight from them to do shared risk (three attempts, then money back minus cost of drugs if there is no “take home baby”) whenever I want.

Yah, I had a hard time scraping my jaw up off the floor from that one too.

So now it’s really all on hubby… whenever he is ready to start we will. And he is coming around. It’s all quite crazy really, how much things can change over the course of a month.

It’s nice knowing I have IVF on the horizon, and I can fully enjoy spring until then. Without the pressure of TTC.

In other news, we went camping at the beach two weekends back and had a lovely time. We took advantage of being near super-husband’s brother and stopped in to meet their new baby and I got to hold my first niece for the first time. And she really is lovely and precious and all good things and oh how I want to give her a little cousin.

I expected to feel all sad and bitter, and I certainly shed a few tears on the way there. But once I met her that faded away. I don’t want THIS baby, though I already love her to pieces… I just want my own baby. Anyway, I am glad I took the plunge and met her, because now I can start knitting her cute little baby pants w/ no bitterness.  And she gives me the motivation to hold my breath and take the plunge into IVF.

Here I come!!!